5.19.2006

yes.

a pre-warning that the following information is embarassing to type nevermind the fact that it may be read. but as most things work, it is better to vent in some fashion than to contain it in a self-depricating way...

the bedroom fan swishing the air around and cutting up the sound of radio journalists and the thoughts mashed up (yet again) in my head. has it truly been necessary to undergo the cliche life crisis of pre-grad/post-college balance? From experience I've gathered that many of my fellow human companions undergo some sort of existential questioning at some point, but rather than bonding over these large issues these thoughts have managed to become so minute and nagging and utterly personal. unsolved by me and unsolvable by others. so fucking boring. it's like a switch was flipped and turned off all possibilities of me being adventurous, creative (a word i'm growing to loathe) and open while in part, turned me into a dog with tail tucked between my legs. my first reaction is to flee but alas, i manage to be tied to the lame ties of modern life a.k.a. the internet, a pile of meaningless material objects, the confines of my cave and saying yes to shitty jobs i don't want strictly to maintain a degree of accountability on my part. i wish i could pinpoint the moment that my sense of self grew tangled with responsibility. i admit, i fell victim to the good ol' american standard of "success". i feel lost. it's not so much that i don't know what i want to do. suprisingly i've adopted a fairly healthy attitude towards that aspect, but rather that i have no motivation to attain or interest in anything right now. i can't blow my savings on some mid-mid-life soul searching for fear that i won't be able to get out of this town for good. i'm jealous of how everyone's life seems so much more interesting than my own and often feel as if it must be ore fulfilling. above all, though perhaps i should care a bit more about myself, i fear risking any important relationships i have b/c i'm being a lazy ass dull baby. how can i feel so trapped by myself? that's fucked up.

1.12.2006

i like the wrinkles by my eyes when i smile.

i used to drive by the house of the boy i was madly in love with in highschool (not enough to classify as stalkerdom) and i did it again today. just to do it. there was something soothing about it when i was younger. now i think about how i will probably never do it again. which then led to a waterfall of the things that make my eyes look distant. maybe the fear of growing old has take ahold of me or maybe it's that i feel i prematurely lost my youth. i hate sounding dramatic, but at least i'm being honest.

it feels like nothing outside today. maybe slightly cooler than warmer. and the trees are like spindly fingers reaching up. when did it get so boring?

nick has interviews for grad school in seattle and palo alto. i hope the east coast schools call him soon. i know we'll be somewhere new soon.

i wish we had more flowers.

7.28.2005

i stopped biting my nails and i think this is a record amount of time since say, i was twelve.

my past week off was quite quiet. i spent time dancing with all my heart while wearing the requisite week off wear (a tank and underwear), leaving singing messages on nick's voice mail (whut whut roy orbison!), continuing the debate between colors, and frantically writing notes in a small orange quadrille notepad hoping to find some sort of future project inside the "chasm" of my brain.

i went back the spy museum, paid my five bucks and learned about the enemy within. as any museum would dream, it's exhibition provoked thought. scattered around the images of horrendous lynchings, interned immigrants, suspected reds and dirty protesting hippies were gallup polls asking us attendees what we thought the government should and should not be capable of. so the first i encounter is the question, " do you think the government should ban groups like the ku klux klan?" (this question is nowhere as eloquent as the gallup's wording) with responses ranging from strongly agree to strongly disagree. now, i understand about the first amendment rights that come into place when speaking of disallowing such a group to exist, but nonetheless i answered with a strongly agree. considering such a group acts upon their hatred and their messages, they're impeding upon other's rights and have certainly in the past. and in understanding we've done worse to innocent people that do not belong to prejudiced groups, i think it's certainly fair to make it rather difficult to have a gathering of ignorant white people bent on spreading some bullshit. another question involved agreeing or disagreeing with something along the lines of, "do you think the government has the right to deport or indefinitely detain people suspected of being a part of a terrorist group?" to which i voted, no, they don't. the whole glory of america is the freedom we have (go stars and stripes! omgz!) citizens and visa holders alike were deported or detained when the majority were innocent. and this shit happens all the time. you'd see it with basically any sort of attack on american soil...suspected anarchist immigrants, american double agents selling secrets that lead up to the cold war, etc. and foreigners are to blame. but we don't do anything to these native born american assholes.

yeah? writing this causes me to fear i sound rather modern jackass and pseudo intellectual, but i risked it b/c love and i had a good conversation about all of it.

i'm feeling blunt today. not so poetic. haha. and i want to make a lot of lists, b/c that's a good thing to do when the words don't sound like beautiful prose.

non-fiction is my new favorite. my summer reading list is rather extensive and i am poud, i won't lie, b/c i won't have time to read much once the year starts up again. thus far...

everything is illuminated & extremely loud and incredibly close : jonathan safran foer
the men who stare at goats : jon ronson
secret life of bees : sue monk kidd
hard-boiled wonderland and the end of the world & after the quake : haruki murakami
kissing in manhattan : david schickler
sex, drugs and cocoa puffs : chuck klosterman (both nick and i talked about being embarassed pulling a book with this title out of our bags)
the partly cloudy patriot : sarah vowell
the kid (what happened when my boyfriend and i decided to go get pregnant) : dan savage
a couple trasher/quick reads

and i'm in the midst of...

assasination vacation : sarah vowell
fraud : david rakoff
men and cartoons : jonathan lethem
the autograph man : zadie smith

amazing, n'est pas? hahaha.

and the sounds bring me joy, as always. i = mega obsessed with louis xiv and the boy least likely to and my crush on vhs or beta has excalated to a full blown frenzy. we took the lil sis to see them when they played here a couple weeks ago. my mom and cyan visited. mom cooked some good food (pasta with italian sausage), we took them out for good food (somalian lamb and portobello fettucine) and then cooked them good food (gorgonzola butter steak, garlic mashed potatoes and mustard greens). i think if design falls through i'll just stay at home and cook all day.

nicky and i made sprinkle cupcakes with chocolate frosting for our anniversary. what a fucking stud! i wuv him.

the end of the weirdest entries i've written in a while.

7.11.2005

i like the name gemma and i like the city new york and i wish we were there now. my summer has consisted of minimal thought process unless the printed word is before in which case i do much thinking that disappears when i start thinking about the popsicles we have in the freezer. there is a constant supply. empanada picnics in the park, po-boys and the burger cook-offs in the setting sun and flashes of lightening bugs in the four star counted sky.

the spy museum, the world's richest fascist, a "woman" peeing on the side of a truck between chelsea and the financial district, the metro cars, sir olaffen, the laziest gal in town, my honey and me.

natalie and i talked about our lady issues on the phone while ben and i played two tween girls for nearly an hour while vero and i search for a job for lil mami. i'm not on the phone that often, but i suppose they know i think about them.

nick's plaid shorts are crumpled on the floor without companions (suprisingly) and we ate the kix to quickly.

washington is often described as a place where people don't really live. i.e. a temporary place for people passing through to support the various activities of the nation's capital. and it feels that way for me as well. i read a lot and i walk a lot, but i know we'll be back in austin at the end of august. so maybe the thirty dollar chinatown bus to new york was doubly exciting than it should have been. it makes me antsy. jake made a big deal about it being my first time in the city as an adult. the big pluses were being lazy in central park, eating baba ghanouj and fucking fish tacos (ahahahaha). bonita's spicy salsa burned all our tongues till our eyes teared. oh texas.

i currently have a list of five things i miss from home (in no order as usual):

one. la mexicana
two. barton springs
three. dance parties
four. the kids
five. cowboy queso

and to juxtapose, a list of five things i like about being here:

one. nick
two. oeuf
three. finding tasty food (see somali lamb, catfish po'boys, etc.)
four. getting cultural (time for books, a million movies and anti-tourist tourism)
five. the kid (evelyn)/walking everywhere (they both have their ups and downs)

the process of figuring out how to really live with someone has been quite the trial/tribulation. the negatives include arguments over dumb shits and establishing "rules" so as not to upset the independence/the house is disgusting balance. the positives however are obviously more rewarding. i.e. cuddles at night, making up, making food, sharing netflix (aha), going on adventures and reveling in obvious cutest couple experiences. i won't lie about it being one of the harder things i've had to discover and work through, but i guess as jake put it when we visited, " so you guys are like practically married, right? living together is a big deal."

i try to think about the things i really like everyday from the extrememly "dorky" to the more universal. i like the way letters look and the way balloons float in the sky and the lines that everyday things create and even sometimes the way nick forces me to talk shop as he impedes into the design territory. i guess the science art love triangle has that middle ground. and i like that.

4.09.2005

the small silhouettes of all things living. a caterpillar rhythmically move across the worn sheet i've set my books upon. the magazine pages flicker in the spring breeze (zephyr) with a sound like the wave of friction the leaves make all around me. colored photographs with white borders and scratchily written words.
our photobooth pictures on the wall above my bed.
silver gray and pale slate blue. winter colors. i am jealous of their form in this slinky fabric that slips between my fingers and looks lovely with my jeans.
the fluff from the shrug i wore last night is still on my shoulders, but the wine has long since faded. last night was art night. pretentious night. yep. little sandwiches and a plate of pineapple and peanut butter cookies, followed by merlot and organic fruit juice and feta cheese, artichoke and olives and all wrapped up nicely with goat cheese bruschetta, curry chicken salad on pita, small chocolate mousse and mini cheeseburgers. which, admittedly, made me rather excited to the point of calling everyone i had seen at the previous openings to sing praises of my delicious mini cheeseburger find. straight ink lines drawn in intricate detail, the stubbornly screenprinted ink, small painted canvases and letters on plastic.
we won paint sets at the blanton, stood under the single air vent shooting the shit with tuan at the crl and danced not so surreptiously to phoenix at lombardi.
picnicpicnic was wonderful last weekend. belaire is so perfect and pretty. and i know i mentioned it before...but it was so good it makes me feel so warm inside.
npr advised me to find other internship opportunities which means i see the patter of kid feet in my future. and if not that i don't know. perhaps i'll frequent tryst and read more. it felt sort of all planned out, but i suppose, now that it's not.
oh well.

4.04.2005

i decided i heart contrast stitching. i disheart pre-frayed jeans. but
when the cut and the wash are right, what can you do?

i am twenty one and love was here to sing me happy birthday the morning of and then that evening he flew back to the nation's capital on an airplane in the sky.

we danced to phoenix and vhs or beta, smiled at blanche, watched m.i.a. and saul from the bridge and snuck kisses during kings of convenience. oh, sxsw. i'd rather dance.

we fed the duckies on the lake on a hot day and it was just you and me and i love you.

you place pretty songs on cds for me and when i listen to them they become the soundtrack of my life despite the fact i know how silly that sounds, but they enter my head and lyrics come out and nestle into my head and remind me of you. my baby, i never use those words. but that's all i could call someone as sweet as you.

we had a picnic in lil mami's backyard for me and marie's birthday. belaire played deliciously and got excited about our raffle of assorted thrift finds. and benny and i sang kiss at the end of the rainbow and it was awesome. and then we danced for four hours. mike and me and lanneau and co. and it was amazing and wonderful and my feet function strictly on hot beats and sweaty bodies. two days later and my legs are still sore. ghostface and erlend and m.i.a. (my new secret lover) and new beck (oh star husband). two pink daisies and four small roses. a lime shirt that took me all day to sew and my birthday amber colored lucchese cowboy boots that i broke in in two days and am having a full on affair with.

i abandoned knitting for summer dreams and dreams of flying kites.

i'll be in d.c. in a little over a month for a brand new adventure. yay! but, the real adventure would be magically acquiring enough money to go to india to see nicky's co-worker get married. oh india, my dream. but most likely, i'll be walking down the sidewalks, non-ipod headphones in and looking at the houses and the people on the way to somewhere...coffee at tryst or tapas or to the metro stop to pick my boy up unless of course (and most likely) i get my dream internship or the backup job in which we'll meet each other at the end of the day to cook dinner and be smiley with oeuf.

3.14.2005

i'm tuckered as hell.