3.31.2001

i got a scrape the other day on my knee and it's pretty scary. at least i took the pain. i'm so damn hardcore.
currently spinning: dashboard confessional: the swiss army romance
(hmm that is not hardcore but it's still good)
pretty pretty day. last night i saw momento at the dobie at like, 9:50. very very cool movie and guy pearce is hot. no seriously, it really makes you think. it's about this guy that has anterograde amnesia, where he has the inability to make short term memory, that's trying to find his wife's killer. intense and parts of it funny. stayed out late, eating ice cream and singing to the sound of music. yesterday was also the senior talent show. i'm all about the hot guys in bands.
i'm having a hard time with my mother's liberal mind set. her philosophy is that if i'm old enough to show interest in doing something, then i'm probably old enough to handle it and all she wants for me is to realize the consequences. i feel so adult and so ahead of other people. (that makes me sound bitchy.) it's just i get to do things my other friends can't and i want to share all this shit with them.
currently spinning: the pixies: where's my mind

3.30.2001

i bought candy with pocket change today. wandering in the dark to the playground to sit in the streetlights. talking on tires.
currently spinning: puff daddy and r. kelly: satisfy you
at school 4th period : i don't know why i'm so attracted to him. he's just one of the millions of guys that drive me wild. eight months of my curious devotion, something that has passed and i should have moved on. right in front of me, speaking with a voice that melts over my body.
i tend to write about people that sit in front of me. the people that are close enough to touch, to smell, to notice every detail. (8th):
there's a pretty boy in front of me
in an off white dress shirt
hands perched behind holding his head
covering his ears
fingers intertwined
between locks of sugar brown
hunching over in ponder
currently spinning: spoon: fitted shirt

3.27.2001

i had an anti-social weekend, surrounded by many, living by one. i finally got around to running...late at night, all alone. and it was nice. life has been changing a lot and i finally took the time to step back and examine all of it. and i'm stuck. sometimes i can't fix everything and i can be pissy about it and move on. "we're movin' on up/to the east side." we talked great gatsby in english today and about east and west egg. don't ask me where these connotations come from. my mind keeps floating between topics, hard to concentrate. here's a poem about a guy i met at the state hospital:
how about falling through cosmic unity?
russian prison inmate
DIY tattoos from afghanistan
matches lit
light to solitary flame
currently spinning: lou reed: take a walk on the wild side

3.22.2001

wouldn't it be cool if people could teleport? i can sure as hell tell you that i would teleport all over the place. wheeeeeee!
tomorrow is my b-day. big seventeen. i wrote something for the occasion:
i am seventeen
i think
i will
go to an r movie
after curfew
consenting with an adult
in the back rows
aww yeah. who's the pimp shit? i went to bed last night at eight o'clock. it's so nice to wake up from eleven hours of sleep. there are some adults i wouldn't mind consenting with. god bless texas and the law that says seventeen year olds can consent with adults. not that i'll use it to my advantage anytime this year but it's the fact i have the right. do i sound ditzy or what?!
fun day. long conversations with cool people. it's a weezer day. a hip day.
currently spinning: me first and the gimme gimmes: seasons in the sun

3.20.2001

it's absolutely amazing outside. perfect for speeding down the highway listening to "tangerine speedo" by caviar. i went outside during creative writing to write about why. why we write. i don't think i've ever been so in tune to my surroundings as i was only an hour ago. gorgeous, fucking gorgeous. the sun was shining. the grass was damp. i watched a small slick and shiny ant manuver it's way around a maze of thick green life, decompassing brown grass and soggy mahogany soil. something i've never seen before in my life, so up close and alive.
boys are beautiful...i'll never get over it. today a boy i've liked for awhile was wearing a dark navy shirt and it brought out his dark blue eyes. guys with dark hair look amazing in navy and maroon. i think i'm the only girl that realizes this crap. speaking of amazing guys...yesterday at whole foods with ali, i kept staring at this hot glam indie boy. spell h-o-t. boys in pink shirts are real men. especially if their name is topher. mmm hmm.
currently spinning: the police: don't stand so close to me

3.18.2001

yesterday was a nice st. patty's day. i wore green...i still do. nothing exciting like drunken parades or pinching vcrs. ha. instead, i climbed. only sounds of cold wind fingering faces, carefully placed footsteps, and internal heavy breathing. four hundred twenty five feet into the sky, surrounded by a sea of green trees and cliffs of sullen gray clouds. solitary fifteen foot boulders appearing like fists raised among the crowd. hidden caves, shelter from the everpresent chill. primitive.
spring break isn't exactly what i wanted it to be. i tried carpe diem. but i was lonely. everyone is coming back today and school starts tuesday. there is a fly trapped behind the blinds and the window.
a mocha sounds so good right now and if it weren't for the remaining drips of drizzle, i'd go for a run. down to the drag and past every car and person lining the road like ants. it'd be like the rock with caffeine reward and whipped cream, sprinkled with cinnamon lovin'. damn sounds so good to my lazy arse.
currently spinning: nirvana: heart-shaped box

3.16.2001

i'm talking to a mad honey on im right now. hehehehe. my dad picked up my sister and i for lunch and we headed to kerbey lane cafe. yummy yummy. basil pesto fetticine. precious...drooool. my dad told me he once owned a firebird. i wish he still did. although, i dunno, camaros are pretty sweet, too. emily and i spent a day at the drag yesterday, entertaining ourselves by trying on clothes and admiring the people walking around us. there's no place like austin. we've got some wackos here. but it's all good. spring break is a lazy blast. awww yeah.
currently spinning: the labyrinth: "chilly down" and various dialogue

3.15.2001

i wish i could make it all right. sometimes i wish i could change the world by helping just one person. but it's so hard.
turns out i'm still slightly sick, so instead of running this morning (i was all dressed for it and put my shoes on), i collapsed into our new rocking chair and stayed there. i only went out for a movie, ten things i hate about you, and some magazines, vanity fair (for the hollywood portfolio) and cosmopolitain (duh, for the smuttiness and tips to seduce my "man". well i can use it in the future). the porfolio was a let down, i think the music one was much better. i can be amazed and amused by those pictures for literally hours. god, i want to be a photographer. cosmo was entertaining as usual. i learned new sex moves, clothes to flaunt my assets and how to appeal to my man's sign. aww yeah. i need to get naked soon. i will, for bed. but anyway, two thumbs up to ten, b/c of julia stiles (she is so gorgeous!) and heath ledger(he is so hot! despite that ugly hair in the flick) and the whole love thing(awww). i'm in that lovey kick right now. someone should punch me for some of my chipper thoughts. it's late. sorry for all the parentheses.
sound: running water

3.14.2001

how can something feel so right? you make me feel real. "i could see myself coming home to you." your name the last whisper between conciousness and sleep, nothingness and bliss.
currently spinning: bob marley ft. lauryn hill: turn your lights down low

3.13.2001

i just read some emails/aim convos i saved at my inbox. yes, i'm a nerd that saves good things that make me happy. i had a few from my friend ted. his writing sort of lulls me into a state of happiness. i feel closer to him but not...like i know him well but only part of him. saved conversations of me and matt and our inside jokes. me and colin too. it's all good warm fuzzies.
the door is open and the cold outside is inching in. a hum of nothingness combined with passing traffic and trees. it was 70 today. nice. oh so nice and oh so right.
currently spinning: apples in stereo: the benefits of lying(with your friend)
that pre-college loss of virginity thing does have logic behind it by the way.
i had this crazy dream with grant last night. i wish it were grant i was sharing a bed right then but anyway... he liked me in the dream...no he loved me. ever had the dream that encoporates all emotions and stand out details of the previous day? i'm so fucking sick of being me sometimes. there's this party tomorrow and i just wanna go and mess around until my problems are gone. but the problem is i'm smart enough to know that'll only fuck me up more. i don't want to go to college a virgin. but i don't want to waste my deflowering (hehehe that phrase) on someone that means shit to me. ben told me once i'd make a great girlfriend... i don't want to be single anymore.
i took some damn chain quiz that said it would take eight guys for me to find true love. does that count guys you went on one date with? then i'd be at eight right now, if not i'm at five. damnit it must sound like grant and i are a couple. i wish. the most i have from him is that piss poor excuse for a date and talking to him in class the following thursday and looking at my show pictures. at least he said that they were awesome. aaggggg is grant worth my effort?
anyway...the beach was a blast. i was sick for the first two days of the trip but to be positive about that, i didn't have to help with anything, i got to catch up on the hours of sleep i lacked, and my deliriousness created some hilarious jokes. just like every year, jess and i created some mad hilarious dance moves, this time at a mcdonald's. i don't really care what they think. nice and tan except for my stomach which i think will permanently be white until maybe august if i'm lucky. i burnt my shoulders, elbows and feet. horrible, absolutely horrible. jess built a fire while i was sleeping and i woke up late and we roasted hot dogs and marshmallos under the stars and moon. we built a labyrinth inspired sand castle. i swear, i act like i'm twelve. but as long as i'm having a good time...
currently spinning: billy idol: white wedding
(note for the masses, billy idol is hot.)

3.09.2001

i'm off to the beach for the weekend, 'll bring back stories...i promise!

3.08.2001

until i get my links up... natasha's bitchin' site
my eyes are droopy despite the the high caffeine content circulating my veins. whaaaa! you miss out on that sound b/c yeah, it's typed.doodoodoo whoa ok, tired plus caffeine loopyness does not work. i went for coffee with ben at 10 at this sweet ass coffee shop that always has hot guys. i feel real around this guy. crazy fun drawings of teachers, and psycho animals and signatures out the wazoo. i like it best when we're both teetering on the edge of insanity, bending over close to the table in fits of giggles, eyes inches away from each other. it's like instant comfort and bliss with benny. i really like that one instance when you figure out what about another person makes them bliss for you. speaking of ben's there's this f'ing hilarious freshman named ben that likes to shake his balls and dance in photo with me. aww yeah. life's a little sucky but i'm trying not to complain (lie lie!!! i'm the biggest whiner!)
"sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy...sunshine on my shoulders makes me sad." are those the words? a john denver cd ad used to come on every morning before elementary school. my sister and i would laugh and laugh at the songs. "thank god i'm a country boy." right. good ol' me, making fun of things back in the day. I guess the sadder part is that i eventually memorized the order the songs came on in the ad. gosh...i do that all the time. I can still do it for a few 80's cd ads. don't even get me started. "touch me (touch me) all night long, never gonna give you up never gonna let you down, she's so fine there's no telling where the money went, is this love that i'm feeling, i wanna know what love is, i get weak when you're next to me, i need you tonight, you know you're gonna have to face it you're addicted to love" pathetic huh? i sing it for giggles now.
see this is the espresso kicking in.
books i want to read : naked lunch burroughs, great expectations dickens, something by vonnegut
i saw some fine ass today. bad ben influence.
currently spinning: three six mafia: ass and titties....turning into: travis: why does it always rain on me?

3.05.2001

do you remember banana popsicles? i'm licking one up right now. i think that the bluebell brand ones are better. (is it bluebell that makes the other banana with chocolate in the box too?) at least popsicle brand has the jokes on the stick.
when is a fin not a fin?
(eat now)
when it's a dolphin!
hahahahaha simple pleasures for simple minds
dark nights
painted faces
flashing color
alone me
with you
so many-
come back-
curly hair
sweating body
damp w/ love
still ringing in my ears
smell of pot
wrapping around
smoky invisible threads

at the weezer concert a week and a half ago
currently spinning: weezer's new "island in the sun" bootleg style
today was pretty normal as far as school goes. didn't learn too much (willingly) unless of course the knowledge entered my brain when wasn't paying attention. am i the only one that finds my psych class highly interesting? people fall asleep a lot in that class. i semi sorta didn't mean to but did not acknowledge grant today. he probably thinks my panties are in a twist. they're not though. i did however, get one thing out of that. i discovered green day's nimrod is good fast problem avoidance music. i think i've made a bad habit out of driving fast when i'm upset. too much is getting me down and it's my fault.

"work like you don't need the money. dance like no one's watching. and love like you've never been hurt." -bathroom stall in ny

only 18 days till my birthday and i'll be able to get into rated r movies that i've been able to get into since i became a teenager. you just gotta look for the type of person that doesn't care. speaking of movies, i saw pecker over the weekend. damn good, two thumbs up. photography, brenden sexton III and edward furlong....aww yeah. edward furlong was amazing in american history x. probably the most moving movie i've ever seen. it left me crying in the dark.
i leave in 4 days for the beach with jessica. finally some time to catch up. i love camping on the beach. people always react weird when i tell them we sleep in tents on the beach. it fucking rocks! waking up to the morning sun and pounding surf. waves swimming in and out, erasing wishes we make in the sand late at night. self made campfires and sandcastles surrounded by small crabs darting in and out of hidden caves. bonding with my best friend late into the starlit nights. it's the only way.
currently spinning: nick drake: pink moon


3.04.2001

fuck. i hate crying in the car.
the show was amazing last night. good family fun in the mosh pit while taking pictures (i'll probably post them later) and be whooped around by nasty guys. at least i have stories to tell afterwards. I live for that sweaty music togetherness, feels like love when everyone around you is singing to the lyrics of something we all have in common. i found him last night. i hate all the awkwardness and "rules" of a budding relationship. i can't call him and be all, "dude let's hang out more b/c i'm really interested in you" b/c it might weird him out. i think he may be interested in me but how much is too much when trying to start something. i got his cell phone number last night (whooo insert girlyness here)!!! which you know means i can catch him on the go if i really wanted to. him, by the way, is grant. as my friend ben said yesterday, "he likes weezer and plays baseball, what else do you need to know?" it's true though, those are highly enjoyed traits, those and the fact he looked fucking gorgeous last night in a light blue shirt that highlighted his eyes. but really, i can sense there is something special about him and i hope i get a chance to find out what it is.
I went boy crazy this year. everything got to the point where i said no to a relationship in pursuit of others. i am mistress pimptress this year minus the action. but seriously if you asked me now, i'd give it up for an oppurtunity with grant. geezus (nonreligious style) i'm such a girl romantic. waaahhhhhh now would be one of the times i go outside and yell at the top of my lungs which i still haven't experienced. it's all about those american teenage experiences.
coffee houses are good for discovering yourself.
currently spinning:godspeed you black emperor!: lift your skinny fists like antennas to heaven: storm

3.03.2001

the impossibles tonight! he still hasn't called. teen angst mode, i think, hits in too much. even if i know everything will be alright i still end up reaching for someone. staying out late tonight. there is freedom in being out at 3 in the morning, mellowing out post crazyness and just being as life pulses.
currently spinning: at the drive-in: one armed scissor