6.30.2001

proof that there are creeps out there on the internet. stay safe, kiddos:
(note: we had just basically done the whole hello thing and then...)
parkerfly2020: so you want to come over tonight
greenkiss: what? why do you ask that?
parkerfly2020: why not
greenkiss: well i guess you don't know me for one thing. how do i know you're not a stalker of some sort?
parkerfly2020: that's why u can come over and find out
greenkiss: b/c i've got plans tonight anyway
parkerfly2020: so, change them
greenkiss: i can't, i have to baby sit so i can get some money
parkerfly2020: come over after u'r done
greenkiss: what do you want?
parkerfly2020: what do u mean
greenkiss: i mean, yuo talk to me out of the blue and ask me to come to your house of all places, i dunno. i'm a pretty smart girl and i know that's not safe
parkerfly2020: well we can meet somewhere and if you determine i'm safe then we can come over to my house
later...
parkerfly2020: all night long?
greenkiss: till like 10 and i stayed out till 3 yesterday , so i'm tired
parkerfly2020: that's ok
parkerfly2020: we can sleep together
later still...
parkerfly2020: why are you getting mad at me
jesus..i haven't blocked him yet, but i figure you guys would get a kick out of me being harassed.

i am wearing next to nothing in front of the screen today and i feel half dead. i've got the sexy flushed look going on and my eyes are drooping causing me to look semi-doped up. heat makes me tired.
the air conditioner broke. and nothing can be done until monday.
i'm going to mexico on the ninth to, as cristina believes, film when girls go bad tijuana edition. not really. we're going for the sake of going on a vacation. i have to take these pills that prevent us from getting "sick", if you know what i mean, while we're there. i call them my mexico pills. the bottle has smiling bacteria on it, like these little guys are having a freakin' party in my body. i do not understand.
currently spinning: depeche mode: just can't get enough
i want to say "fuck it" and go out there so badly. b/c i see perfection. and i'm smitten.
i have to do that someday...just disappear out of the blue and show up in a place where people don't really know me. and be free. the more i think about college and the way things are now, the more i want to go out of state. there's a lot holding me back though. to leave all i know, all i've known, behind would take a lot of courage on my part. and it's something i'm working up to. i don't know if i could leave austin and leave ali and ben and johnny, natasha, cristina and my family and the hundreds of things i already have planned out for my life. i don't think i've ever allowed myself to plan on anything else, as if the sky would fall if i didn't get in to ut. i always thought i'd be here in austin and travel like a mother during the summer and every break. sounds cheesy to say, but i want to travel...everywhere. i just need to get out of here and be somewhere new on my own.
currently spinning: beethoven: moonlight sonata
i baby sat yesterday for some dough. the kids and i went swimming in their pool. then they decided to wage a war against me. so i kept getting attacked and one of the boys was hanging on me and like unintentionally choking me. so i tried to move his arms from around my neck all subtle like, but that just led to him jabbing his feet into my cooter (crotch, cooch...whatever strikes your fancy), again unintentional. and so it was like die or be molested. how can i explain that to a kid? so i just like, worked my hardest to get him off of me. it was insane.
currently spinning: stephen malkmus: leisurely poison

6.28.2001

i think if i just start writing i'll learn something.
it seems more and more quiet to me now, even though the cicadas are singing and built to spill is playing. i haven't really seen anyone for awhile now. trey trey asked me to go tubing with him today. i would sell my soul to hang out with him (well not really) but i have a car. meaning i got stuck with the job of picking my sister up at five. life goes on. i hate wallowing in self pity, so i've been wallowing in mtv..which now that i think about it is more self destructive than i could ever be. how many hours of real world can i watch? jesus, i fucking live in the "real world".
i stayed up last night talking to chuck. he writes with a southern accent. chuck makes me happy. i wear a cowboy hat in the passenger seat and scream yee haw at concerts, chuck wears trucker hats and uses the words cept, aint and reckon.
i've been thinking about cleaning out my wallet. all those pictures from sophomore aren't me anymore. it was strange last night to dream of eric and jimmy and phil, a part of the past. a year ago that seems so much farther away. i couldn't concentrate in government this morning. (not that i've able to lately anyway.) images from me and eric and then kept replaying over and over again in my mind. people i haven't talked to for a long time. it's strange.
i'm sitting in a plan that wasn't executed. being online is my drug. enough to tear me away from what else is going on. i just don't want to get bored.(i bet you can tell.) that sum forty one song is playing and i can play the video in my head (thanks mtv). the singer has a nice face.
maybe i should get off my ass and do something artistic. ehhh. ok.
currently spinning: weezer: i just threw out the love of my life

6.27.2001

we got one of those blockbuster cards that are good for one free rental a week for a year! i don't know if you understand the word "score" in this sense.
(written late last night)
i remember when i got my crayola treasure chest of crayons, every color crayola had made. so many beautiful colors. a perfect ideal. tonight, one of them was lost.
silent tears are are the worst. too scared to get mad and too sad to speak up at all. sometimes i feel too nice and other times i feel my dad inside me, the snapping i think i can't control. tonight i said good night to an empty face with my own broken lips. part of the child is still in me.
i looked forward to tonight. we colored repeating patterns under colored lights in silence. i wanted to speak, to find out what was new and if everything was well. i wanted the intimacy of deep conversation so i can know more from someone who means most.
what is wrong with me? i blame myself because i can't blame others.
currently spinning: modest mouse: talking shit

6.25.2001

i started reading dreamworld today. out by the pool on an old towel. i've noticed that when i shut my eyes while outside and then open them, the world appears in technicolor blue and neon green. the contrast of summer. ali and i placed fallen leaves upon our bathing suits in scandalous places while in the water, laughing hysterically when one suctioned to my tummy button. we finished our sun day with mango and blackberry ices.
i'm supposed to call john tonight. we (oh man, we!) talked for awhile yesterday, slowly getting more personal. john and i talked family and religion and camping and europe. sigh. i told him i'd teach him how to cook and he said "you should try my grandma's cookies" and i nearly burst. i kept hearing the word "we" through out the talk, each time my smile growing. i can see it slowly coming together.
currently spinning: agent double-0-zero: his biggest fear
dan the automator signed heathy's guestbook!!!!!!!!!!
heath is a cool guy, i don't anyone else i'd stay up with all night talking to. he's the perfect combination of ghettofabulousness, lovin' and originality, in a few words one sweet ass waffle. and that's just the beginning.
currently spinning: nikka costa: like a feather

6.24.2001

i have to write a paper about the social security reform. if you have any questions for the knowledge i was forced to learn please feel free to email me.
WhenHumansAttack: have fun at the pool
WhenHumansAttack: bring a manequin and pretend it's me
WhenHumansAttack: or something
greenkiss: what?
because ben could not attend the pool with us tomorrow.
currently spinning: buzzcocks: what do i get?

6.23.2001

i am so craving a slim jim. jesus, could i want anything nastier in nature?
i'm selling out. as soon as i get dressed, i'm heading down to the chain grocery store and applying. it's all about the money for me. yea for the material attitude! because money buys me music and i can't live without music. nothing new in the music dept. since like umm, the new weezer and i'm starting to suffer from withdrawal.
i've started wearing a cowboy hat around the house. right now, it's nicely complementing my make shift pjs (as much as you don't want to know, i sleep nude). i fulfills my need to exhibit my texas pride. i am a proud texan in the lone star state. now i need some genuine boots. but they cost like a hundred dollars...another reason for a job. willie nelson is coming....
currently spinning: pharoahe monch: simon says
what should be playing:lauryn hill: can't take my eyes off of you
(i'm quite the sentimental girl...i like to feel all romantic.)
he took me driving in his nineteen seventy five beamer down the "roller coaster" road, the wind and the impossibles hiding underneath his voice. i got to lean into him from across the table, smile when he laughed during atlantis and rest shoulder to shoulder as it all came to a close. john is beautiful when he smiles and tells stories of starry night camping trips. can i stay grounded when i'm floating on air?

6.21.2001

i walked inside from the outside warm breezes and beating drum in spotted clothing and dripping hair. summer thunderstorm.
currently spinning: miles davis: so what
insert the vandals "i have a date" into my brain, replace girl with boy and that's how i feel about tomorrow night. yippie!
with the
pieces of clouded clothing
falling
falling
step away
to turn back
as the smoke grows
footsteps lead to missing
too dark to see
i'm losing the best friend vs. girlfriend fight to someone that hates me. i don't understand. i was there for him first. johnny means a lot to me. i call him and he's never home. i can't even remember the last time i saw him. the show? probably, but he wanted to go to that to see the bands. why do i have to be so nice? sometimes caring isn't enough. i can't explode or i'll make it worse. i feel like i'm shrinking yet the large world i knew before can't keep me. i think about going to school next year as a senior and i see me alone. it fucking sucks that ben and ali aren't at school with me. i always wanted to buy one of those dorky senior ads with my friends. and the problem is that i don't know what i do that pushes people away. i care too much for who they are, maybe seeing something i shouldn't. i'm so fucking chipper all the time, hell i laugh when i cry. and i let people crush me. if i ever choose boyfriend over you important people out there, you have my permission to follow the offense with a swift kick in the butt. highschool has seemed to subtract a lot from me over the years. but certain people and every experience shapes me into a new and improved me*. i just wish he knew how much it hurts. we unleash the tiger together and fight the real world all while kickin' back to at the drive-in. he's johnny. what can i say? i love that boy to pieces. nameless person thought johnny would never choose the girlfriend over me. but, signs point to yes.
*i think i'm on my self-improvement, self-love, self-growth kick. sorry if i sound a little too new age for some folks.
currently spinning: at the drive-in: trans atlantic foe

6.20.2001

i went to barton springs again today. i overheard other people talk while i was reading the perks of being a wallflower. "if someone is upset with you being topless, then they're not a good friend." good advice, my friends, very good advice. most of my good friends have seen me topless, so i feel the love.
school has not even been out for a month yet and already i feel completely changed. friends i thought i would have over the break are not. which is strange, but i grow up. i seem to learn more from one person i love a lot than three other people that don't return it. i'm ready to get out of here. i want to see faces unfamiliar. to quietly observe no longer gives me full satisfaction. i think it was charlie that asked if anyone ever felt like sleeping for a thousand years. and sometimes i do.
i always wanted to be jewish. i secretly longed for a bat mitzvah. i really did. the best i can do now is dream about sexy jewish boys. almost all of them are sexy, for real.
currently spinning: the promise ring: best looking boys
chuck is beautiful today.
currently spinning: japancakes: a short mile
question: what do you look for in a boy?
answer: i want a boy that makes me laugh, one who has a smile that makes me smile and who isn't afraid to look stupid dancing at shows with me. someone i can talk to about anything and who i can listen to for hours or just sit in silence with and still be happy.
currently spinning: glenn miller: moonlight serenade
i bet you're jealous heath wrote about me. i'll do a tribute to him someday...

6.19.2001

my evening:
don't worry, baby
we're not twenty-one but the sooner we are the sooner the fun can begin
love is all
here i sit waiting beside the tree all by myself
you know how the story goes
the feelings i kept secret from you
no one needs to know

6.18.2001

i'm watching reruns of pbs kids shows all alone in the house. when i get pissed off and i'm driving, i feel like ramming into the car in front of me or driving off a cliff. i don't why but it does sound like a problem solver. does that seem semi-suicidal? it isn't meant to be.
i hate when i have to explain bad news to like, thirty people. same story, same feelings, different faces.
we took my daddy to the paramount to see indiana jones and the raiders of the lost arc on the big screen for father's day. harrison ford can ford me any time. anyway...there is this cute guy that sells popcorn at the theater and i wish he was my friend. the pool is calling me for a play date this week. yeee haw.
i remember how a lot of friend's parents thought i was a slut or something because i was having sex with my then boyfriend. but i wasn't. they just thought i was. i don't even carry myself like that. well i guess i do have the sex voice down pretty good but it's not like i use it anyone's father.

6.16.2001

we sat in the dark last night on a metal seat swinging back and forth. my feet sat in front of me on a metal table, crossed at the ankle. the peeking starry sky hiding behind a tree with branches of trembling leaves hovered above the two of us and we were surrounded by the words of one another.
i get to hung up on "the way things are supposed to be". it makes me feel bad for being so confident in myself which is bullshit. i shouldn't doubt myself but i do. i could ask john out again. even though we haven't met up once in the plans we've made. the sad thing is that sometimes i feel the "we" before there is a "we" by placing too much emphasis on the way things should be. i like him so he should like me. which i think he does, but...there's always a but. ironically "too much drama" by the vandals is playing.

6.13.2001

punk is fun.

6.12.2001

coldplay was absolutely amazing last night. i don't believe i've been so full of awe before. the band had so much energy, playing every song with all emotion, and i could feel it running through me. i closed my eyes and felt it all. the lights flashing in little star circles of light, or swirling colors behind them. the lighted globe a center of beauty surrounded by the invisible voice of beauty.
alison and i met some of topher(the whole foods guy)'s friends and his little brother, making all the better. during one song we put arms around shoulders and rocked back and forth. the rest of the audience didn't join. but hey, their loss. travis, his little brother, kept smiling at me when this guy behind us would sing off key at the top his lungs when he knew the words. but trey was the best. he danced to the funky bass stuff going on between sets and swayed back and forth with us. and then we'd giggle with him during the show, his face all smiles with too much beer when we pointed at him whenever coldplay sand "you" or when we screamed like dorks at the end of each song.
i stopped by whole foods today and trey took a break to talk to me. i sat drinking my cherry vanilla soda listening to him talk and telling him crazy economics stories. trey rocks my world.
currently spinning: elliott smith: because
the hike and bike trail has many different people. other than the runners,speed walkers, joggers and bikers there are people out for a breath of fresh air with their children tagging behind, the couples holding hands and taking in the nature surrounding them, old men trying to look hip with their way too revealing jogging shorts, women wearing three sports bras, groups of business men out after work, the two girl friends with matching walkmen running side by side in time and the man pretending to stretch who is really looking at other people's asses. and then there's me. in green shorts and an austin high imitation sorority shirt, my car key in my scuzzy tennis shoes. i run to solve problems. run then walk. run then walk. until all i'm focused on is the breathing inside me and the sound of my feet hitting the gravel of the trail.
my sister found my weezer and ben found me a happiness. little polar bear sits in my lap listening to "smile" with me. and i'm happy. i left him flowers, indigo irises, on his doorstep and ran back to the car. every time i see little polar bear, i smile and see him. it's hard to fight with someone but i feel so much better now after it's over than i ever did before. because we're closer.
currently spinning: weezer: glorious day

6.11.2001

bobby's been in town with me since wednesday and i've been having a pretty good time. nothing helps me learn more than being around someone new and different. i'll be sad to see him go. i feel almost like we were so close to being so real and now it's over. i must have been a total jerk off last night but everything was going wrong. if i had known last night was the last night, i would have done something more. i guess it's wrong for me to say that. i should always leave on a good note. but i do have one more chance.
dashboard confessional was amazing last night. i felt surrounded by pure bliss with all the voices singing around me and the lighters lit and swaying above the crowd.
i just need a break. a day to disappear with my camera.

6.05.2001

...but it's all this antici-fucking-pation that's sending me the extra stress.
currently spinning: spoon: me and the bean
this is extremely entertaining.
i'm good at making myself sick over others. and i'm good at saying nevermind.

6.04.2001

we did the whole diner thing last night after sneaking into an apartment pool. denny's is a delightful diner when it is late and dark. i guess diners are an east coast thing...
the sun has made me sluggish today. i should go to bed but i'm too cool for that.
i saw the love yesterday through so many people.
currently spinning: beck: beautiful way

6.03.2001

i keep getting hit on and it's beginning to get a little creepy:
incident one: walking to emo's on 6th
"don't take this the wrong way...but those legs just keep going and going and going."
incident two: at seven eleven while wearing my shirt that has a silouetted girl between a camaro and firebird, "nicely placed" if that gets the hint across
"those are some fine automobiles."
"oh umm, thanks."
(turns to other clerk)"i think those are pontiacs."
"yeah, so do i."
so now because of that, my nickname is pontiac.
i ate donuts at mojos yesterday reading the personals ads outloud in my sex voice. ben nearly had a heart attack. our new excitement is pretending to be a horny couple when we're stuck in traffic or in my car while in front of his house late at night for the enjoyment factors of passing cars. yesterday some guy slowed down waaay past the speed limit while i was busy during barry white. damn. hahahahaha.
currently spinning: the vandals: too much drama
the dsl was down for awhile...
"have you ever gone mountain biking?"
"nope"
"we're going to have to do something about that."
(oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
currently spinning: buddy holly: raining in my heart