7.31.2001

chuck and i are talkin' shoes. turns out he's wearin' the shoes i ordered the other day. he says it's like walkin' on air to wear them so i'm looking forward to smoothin' forth a path in the sky.
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
i'm sure, i too, would drown myself in the body of another.
i do not want to cry. i cannot cry. and i do. i use the movie as an excuse to leave the house and all that it bestows upon me in it's looming manner. i cry with incomprehensible words. i try to speak and only a whimper comes out. sometimes matching the soft wails of travis in the cd player. i decide to take a left onto a street i do not know the name of and i pass the dam, shadowed in the darkness of trees and yet illuminated with the man made lights both overlooking the water and from inside the foggy windows. i drive past on this street i do not know the name of. dark and hilly but the moon creates a glow of peace. watching me with the eyes that are watching it in other places.
my father tells me that commercials sell with lifestyles. american eagle sold me with:
i do my best thinking in my car i'm not even really thinking the music's turned too loud just driving but i like that sometimes i just jump in and drive with no real destination i don't even mind if i get lost
currently spinning travis: the last laugh of the laughter

7.29.2001

i've seen it happen in other people's lives, now its happening in mine. - the smiths quoted by chuck
cold for one.
something i've been thinking of a lot lately and i have yet to know what it means.
i want to hold his hand in the movies and feel foreign lips upon my own. will you share spaghetti-os with me when you get here?
little things. sometimes i think i take them for granted. and now i find them to be all. the beginning of something that seems so right.
he said he wanted to kiss me. but he is too far away even though he is close.
the hillside of barton springs makes home for quiet observers of others. the grass to the sky, from the point of view presented in lying on my back on my towel, surrounds me with faces. water was crisp compared to the sun above us two. faces warmed and bodies chilled.
for the sole purpose of amusement, ben and i reanted the babysitter's club movie a couple days ago. oh my god is good to sum it up. so many girlfriend moments, it made ben and i quite teary eyed. i love youz!
darkness brings a relaxed safe feeling. at night, the outdoors life beckons for me to come play. i stay out late even when i am tired because of the way it feels. we draw in the night the pictures of ourselves. over water and rootbeer, few words and much silence.

7.28.2001

recently ben has been in a "making stickers" kick. today he made one that said "she's not my girlfriend". anyway...ben and i went to the mall today so i could exchange some jeans. and after i found what i needed, i went up to the cashier with ben. the cashier looks at ben's sticker and asks "why are you wearing a sticker?" and ben was all,"because it's true." i interrupt with, "it's because we need people to know we're single." (that's really why!) another cashier turns to the first and is all, " you know you've tried that before" and it was funny.

7.27.2001

i think it depends how good of a person i am, if i have kids or not.
i dont want to make the world worse.
-chuck

7.26.2001

gauntmofo: "By 1909, America had an aching sweet tooth, with the average person consuming 65 pounds of sugar annually"
greenkiss: mmm
i've been singing all day...i don't care if i'm out of tune or if my voice cracks or if i don't even really know the words b/c i am happy. or at least i was...really happy.
but now i feel shitty...probably a conversation about jessi, talking to johnny, my eyes hurting, missing an email, and not getting my damn shirt have collectively caused my problem. but i'll blame it on the shirt. i found the perfect "blouse" (that's what they told me to bring) for my senior picture...after two and a half hours at the damn mall, i found the shirt...a sexy pink ribbed polo. and it was twenty-nine fifty, nine fifty over budget...so i didn't use my mom's credit card b/c i figured she'd get p.o.'d for spending too much. i put it on hold and came home and then my mom starts bitching at me for not getting it because now she has to spend the time to pick it up. and now the mall is closed and she hasn't gotten it...which is worse off than it was. my picture is tomorrow and i have to leave early from my fucking scheduled events to pick it up and then race back home to get all ready and then get lost in the bofunks to get my fucking picture taken.
i'll just blame it all on the shirt. the fact that i'm not happy like i was. which was more than i've been in a long ass time. maybe i should start cussing at home to make things easier.

7.25.2001

i miss the faces that i've never seen as well as the ones so engraved in my touch that i can never let go. a flash of memory and i can see you looking at me. you and me. we two friends of years or hours. you seem so familiar in the space that seperates us. sometimes i see you closer than you are.
currently spinning: ash: sometimes
the canoe glided through the water much easier than before. and i paddled. in and out of water, in a ritual monotony, slowly breaking the surface of the lake. ducks and turtles rested content on the sides of our small vessel. few words and tiny splashes.
i like a boy i shouldn't. but i still feel it anyway. he makes me happy inside.

7.23.2001

greenkiss: we could put weave in your hair while you're here
MulletMoFo: you could weave me a mullet
yesterday, i went to schillterbahn (a waterpark) in new braunfels. me in a tube floating in waves and rapids and screaming "oh lordy" really loud to make the attendant's day a little bit better by me being a dumb ass. pirate cannons and funny old men, the smell of those delicious looking turkey legs, little kids pulling their daddies to a new ride, the ride signs missing letters so you read "please do not put poo in mouth" and the funny expression of my friends sliding down on a ride. but i had more fun in the car, laughing and singing up the road. the best part though was finding weave on the ground in two different places at two seperate times. ben nearly keeled over and died. kmart weave. as dj assault would say "i thought your hair was real but oops there it goes." muwhahahaha.
when i was driving home today, this guy in front of me had a blogger sticker on his car and i laughed.
i had mexican food tonight for the first time since mexico. i lived i guess. at a table near me, a little boy, probably about two, was dipping his chips in salsa. it was cute. but then he bit his mom's arm.

7.22.2001

i wish someone here would talk to me. i am lonely and a little headache has popped up inside my head. i do not feel fuzzy but cold instead. do i say dumb things and piss people off? i do, i think. why do i complain with my mouth shut when things really start to hurt? are people happy they know me? really? i am happy to know them usually. actually everybody is loved by me, i think. i'm smart but not smart. i cannot stop when i should b/c i push to far to appear stronger when i am weaker inside. i become more secluded when being myself cannot change what is going on around me.
my headache hurts so bad, there are tears forming in my eyes.
background: fan sweeping the ceiling, air conditioner breathing and soft taps of keyboard
why am i who i am?
i took my car in for an oil change this afternoon. i knew it needed to be at least filled because i can check oil. aww yeah. except when i checked it yesterday, i burned my damn hand.
the texaco boys listened to my busta and adjusted the equalizer. it was nice to drive home with the sound being perfectly equalized. i know them...so it's ok.

7.21.2001

is it just me or are beanie weinies the funniest human concept?
cristinky's b-day was on thursday and we roasted hot dogs while dancing like mad fools to music. natasha and ben and i danced like ravers (which we can't do) to some crazy ass techno beats but then we decided interpretive dancing to the police's roxanne was more fun. but it all came down to the booty. cheesecake, snatch and booty dancing.
yesterday, i purchased a pair of white socks out of a vending machine. i felt dorky but the cause was good. we went bowling for ali..miss seventeen as of last night. to make the game a tad more fun (as if bowling can't not be fun to begin with) we played around with our names while the victim was bowling...queef queen, nsync towel girl, cellphone bsb groupie, african essence, aaron carter luvs me, screech, danny tanner, bootylicious ho...you'd figure we'd get a little bit of a whoopin' from management but we never did. i got a strike on my first time up but i followed it up with some zeros. oh well. a little girl of about three was bowling with her parents next to us. she'd jump around when she knocked some pins down and it was cute. but not as cute as ali having her tongue down doug's throat or doug grabbing ali's ass...riiiight. it was actually really gross. but i guess i still love them, they didn't have to buy socks like i did so i shouldn't say anything b/c i was the nerdier of the group.
currently spinning: hi-tek: the sun god

7.19.2001

i am baking cookies. with the recipe before me, i mixed the egg, sugars, flour and other cookie things while sitting at the kitchen table. my fingers became messy when i helped the dough out onto the tray. i lick them clean. if i die because of cookie dough, it was a good way to die. they are now in the oven at three hundred and seventy-five degrees.
currently spinning: aaron carter: internet girl (get it now!!! haha!)
a story for me by derek:
once there was a little boy who decide to go on an amazing journey. he packed a bag full of food and provisions and started off down the road near his house. soon he came upon a great wood and decided to explore. he wandered far and eventually he became lost and began to cry. suddenly a wonderful talking bear came up to him and said "why are you crying little boy?" "i'm lost and i'm afraid i'll died out here in the woods" the little boy replied.
the bear just chuckled and lifted the boy high atop his furry head
"don't worry, I'll get you home" said the bear.
suddenly the bear began floating higher and higher, they were flying! they landed safely by a large house and the bear let the boy down.
"see you later little boy" said the bear and flew off
"but this isn't my house!" said the boy
THE END
currently spinning: coldplay: such a rush
a.i. gave me a serious mindfuck.excellent excellent movie. it made me think of things i've never thought of before and made me tie new information to old.
i have not done too much today. i created a home for a collection of my best and most beautiful photographs. i watched some music videos. and i took an emo picture with a polaroid. nothing makes you feel richer than wasting a two dollar picture on a car tire. i figured it deserved a moment of fame plastered behind a plastic wall with the chemicals. sounds kind of hollywood?
currrently spinning: elliot: conversation

7.18.2001

i am back...i wrote abstract in my writing book and postcards, here is my trip...(/ line breaks...- entry breaks)
july ten:
i awoke to desolate color/sun parched yellow/grainy beige/and cacti green/dusty fog fading blue/to a washed out horizon
-
after several audio enriched hours and and a siesta on my part, highway fifty-seven introduced us to saltillo. little town in mexico with shops (resembling new york bodegas) and bulidings from the 16th century that are now bars, restaurants and offices crumbling with age. out of the car and in search of food, i pass tall edipices of papaya, mango, aqua, cornflower, lime with windows trimmed in white, while walking on tiled and brick sidewalks. we sit down in a restaurant after passing through the already open doors, order the especiale and sip limonada fresca until the food arrives. caldo de pollo, arroz, tortillas, enchiladas con queso. jello for postre. so much food and i am ready for a siesta but instead we walk several blocks to a silent cathdral. it overlooks all it, tall with engraved intricate columns and high wooden doors.
-
i've seen a donkey waiting patiently for someone to take his reins.
july eleven:
my shadow climbs on walls of golden yellow and rock cement of past
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to awake to a sun shining upon the golden and tomato paited hotel and the smell of beautiful purple and red flowers, limes, persimmons and avocado is an amazing gift.
-
tonight we dined at cafe victoria, explosions of pink, melon, mango and jazz, that together cause the room to dance.
july twelve:
an asian artist in hanging overalls/enters the cafe in shich we sit/two/small cup of espresso/ and a plate of mousse kiwi y limon
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earlier/with cheese quesadillas and guacamole/ i sat inside w/my mind over yonder/watching people search for johnny depp/ on the set thirty feet away
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tonight, the boy behind the bar bought me a coke and limon mousse. my face turned red like the strawberry design on the plate before me.
july thirteen:
images of christ bearing the cross create tears in the eyes of women who hold the hand of a faith w/such strength and awe.
july fifteen:
sometimes i play for more than i need/and i can't stop b/c of want
july sixteen:
i saw jesus in the side window of a truck. i thought he was driving there for a sec.
-
desert tree is/silouette paper cut out/on fading pink spanse

7.11.2001

in which kelly heads out to mexico for a week + a half.
archives are up if you need more me in your daily diet.
p.s. check out alison's blog for yesterday's crazy adventure.

7.08.2001

aaahhhh devo video on! speaking of devo, i have one of those rock star-esque shirts with the band in their whip it hats. bitchin'...i bet if i wore my cowboy hat with that shirt i'd be in a band like that.
yesterday, i wrote letters into a brown ibc rootbeer bottle last night at spiderhouse. the lights were bright as were the stars in his eyes, my (haha) soul twin. as i wrote in one of our collaborations at the pool,
the light reflecting off the pool, a simple water, like stars in cosmic imagination, play gently.
too far away to be touched, too close to be forgotten.
currently spinning: gorillaz: rock the house

7.07.2001

i like your smile when i hear it through the phone.
there are things that make me happy. in fact a lot of things do. robot insurance, the prelude of a thunderstorm through the fin, little kid giggles and the feeling of something pure and untainted.
i am intoxicated by your scent
drowning out conciousness
into smooth strong skin
breathing drugged passion
soft and silent
sometimes i write to the memory of someone. sometimes i write to one person. sometimes i imagine the person for whom i write.
currently spinning: chamberlain: stars in the streetlight
today, i woke up early to take my car to the dealership for a recall. the highway was busy and i saw the sun rising out of the corner of my eye. and i thought of you.

7.06.2001

i gave him the moon.

7.05.2001

IAmBlackElvis: uh, me too, totally
greenkiss: uh? what is this uh?
IAmBlackElvis: its like
IAmBlackElvis: "uh, that goes without saying"
greenkiss: hahahahahaha
IAmBlackElvis: can ya dig it?
greenkiss: yes i can
IAmBlackElvis: ok good
IAmBlackElvis: haha no i wasnt like "uh you're freakin me out"
greenkiss: that's a tribe song right?
IAmBlackElvis: theres mad different methods to the way i do my shit, you see
IAmBlackElvis: yes, yes it is
greenkiss: what shit?
IAmBlackElvis: i was quoting method man
IAmBlackElvis: i dont know what i'm talking about
happy american story from matt:
greenkiss: so what does p.a. do for the fourth?
billy j gd: well, there were lots of fireworks displays
billy j gd: and some cow tippin'
greenkiss: tell me about tipping cows!
billy j gd: well, we try not to do it too often, because it has potential to kill them and thats not cool. but its hard. we have to get a running start, and then we pull up our britches and overalls and run head first into the cow and it moooooos and falls over
greenkiss: oh my god
greenkiss: that is the funniest thing i've ever heard

7.04.2001

independence day = six hour star wars marathon
i didn't see the light of day until six thirty. we walked to the rock garden of zilker park to picnic and watch the symphony play american songs to help us feel patriotic. east meets west with our two families: chicken, sushi, potato salad, krispy kremes and strawberry shortcake. together, we snuck off to the rock overlook to watch the people below. little puppies, toddlers, funny couples, drunk teens and happy old people.
fireworks sparkled, boomed, waterfalled, crackled, shimmered, exploded, pretty colors so high in the sky leaving spidery smoke clouds that slowly float away.
for the land of the free and the home of the brave.
god bless america.

7.03.2001

yesterday:
i handed a bored cashier a dollar for the pool. she asks how old i am just to make sure i'm not screwing around with the amount i owe. i pause and answer,"seventeen." i always get caught off guard when people ask me that...like i have to think about it for a second. ben's not seventeen but he got in for a dollar also. together we walk with backpack and satchel to the opposite side of the springs. climb up the steep grassy hill and set up under a shady tree. i put my sunscreen on and lay back.
a guy to my left brought his acoustic guitar and is now singing to his girlfriend. i decide right then that if a guy ever serenaded me, i would straight up offer myself to him. a man with a didgeridoo comes to sit down next to him a and while i'm talking to ben, he's taking pictures. it's quiet with only subtle conversations and far off splashing. the two of us sit there for a while.
it begins to sprinkle, creating small water droplets on our skin. beautiful wet skin growing damper as the heavy gray clouds pass over us. we stay in the rain.
currently spinning: weezer: i do

7.01.2001

SirrusLotus: it's hot in here
greenkiss: how hot?
SirrusLotus: i'm not sure. the thermostat on the wall is this big knob... and on the left it says "40" and on the right it says "100"
SirrusLotus: and in between... it says this:
SirrusLotus: c o m f o r t z o n e