8.29.2001

my toe polish is almost all gone but what is left on my big toe looks exactly like the united states of america.
it's been raining and raining and raining...think winnie the pooh type rain. although the skies are cloudy and the sun rarely peeks out from behind its blanket of fluff, it is nice to be outside in something different. somethings seem to come easier when the weather plays like this.
the power went out at my dad's on sunday night...when the storms that had been brewing finally struck the earth with all hydraulic and electric force. we cracked open the door as the floor became a puddle...but we had the outdoors to light the indoors. amusement by candlelight:
there is no bird like the pelican
his mouth holds more food than his belly can
the fish in his beak
last more than a week
and i don't know how the hell he can
my dad told me that and i giggled for a long time...maybe it was the staticy air outside or having too much sleep and still being tired or just the fact that it's pretty damn funny.
massy and i went for hot soup during lunch. it's cool how many new things you can learn about a new person when you just listen to them talk. and that all leads to something new. even though the senior loner side of me thinks i don't need to make new friends before college, that'll be hard to pull off.
i walk into that class excited and leave even more excited...their faces all so friendly and new. and over time they'll become familiar. hey, they dug the eighties sunglasses i wore with my devo shirt.
benji and i went exploring in h.e.b. for a fouf. and we found one. sadly it didn't match his store made mullet. luck is with that boy...
oh, and my photo teacher praised my photos! it meant a lot to have my teacher say i was good at what i do.
currently spinning: weezer: waiting on you

8.26.2001

i got to hold his hand!!! i shouldn't think about it but when i do, i get butterflies in my stomach. he's across america but he still give me butterflies...
sometimes it's nice to find out you're not the only person who feel the way you do. the three of us sat out by the pool in the early early morning/late late night. what makes me tick? it was dark, the only light coming internally from the pool. june bugs broke the stillness of the water. an end to their crash course flight.
saturday afternoon i created myself in poster form. gluing down pictures and words that could sum myself up. i sat for a long time wondering what i would use, which is strange because i am me. maybe because it's a new beginning...i have to start out on the right foot this time around.

8.23.2001

sometimes when the phone rings, i speak and no one talks back. i wish they were wondering about who i am, hearing the music in the background and my silence, and they just listen because it makes them happy that someone is on the other line.
currently spinning: american hi-fi: (acoustic) flavor of the weak
today, i bought a coconut popsicle from trey. even though it made sticky on my steering wheel, i was happy.
currently spinning: new order: ceremony
i spent yesterday taking emo pictures of highschool...the lockers, the reflection of light from outdoors, the stairs took new perspectives. in twenty years, it will all be different. the faces different but the people the same.
currently spinning: miles davis: so what
funny shitake overheard in the last two days:
"no we cannot have prom at a hotel. the parents vetoed that because their children would have sex."
"damn, i didn't know it was a requirement!"
-
"gaaahh, i'm so fat!" (if you knew him, it'd be funny)
in the background the washing machine and the dryer

8.21.2001

i placed the wooden pieces of the united states together and dragged a finger from me to you.
i got to enjoy the company of some little kids tonight. here's a conversation i overheard while getting a glass of water...
"let's play sardines."
"what's that?"
"it's like hide and seek in reverse. and we play in the dark."
"oh...ooooo"
"what?"
"i'm going to eat carrots! they help you see better in the dark!"
"oo let me have one!"
currently spinning: the rentals: so soon

8.20.2001

some jackass is revvin' his engine on the way back after lunch
"i'm gonna show them what minivans are made of..."
to prove the point that i am no soccer mom, tires screech as the light turns green.
"whoooofuckin'hooo!"
of course the truck next to us can accelerate faster so they end up in front of us.
but they acknowledge my masta skills in the parking lots, b/c it was "fucking awesome"
it was one of those things you start laughing about randomly in class and makes you look stupid but it's so funny you don't care. minivans can haul major ass, so beware.
currently spinning: strung out: matchbook

8.19.2001

there's a homeless man who stands on the corner of lamar and fifth and he holds a sign that states "anything will help". i want to bring him cookies everytime i see him.
last weekend i threw a dancer in the trashcan along with the past. she posed gracefully as she slid down between papers, no longer seeing but still elegant.
currently spinning: beethoven: moonlight sonata
things are starting to get ugly now. if i hear that damn gorillaz song one more fucking time on those fucking pop radio stations i will proceed in clawing my eyes out. and i've avoided getting a job all summer. now, i realize half the shit that makes me happy during the fucking school year costs money. friends leave and i have to drown myself in music which a) i cannot buy b/c i'm so fucking poor and b) i have not gotten anything new for a long ass time with the exception of the new weezer back in may and the grandaddy album in july. so many good things are coming up and i have no way to afford them. i feel very trapped in this material world. i just want to enjoy what others say. i hate that i have to admit i need a fucking job. no matter how much i don't want one, i need one. and part of me is lost when i say that. i can't go hide in the bathroom anymore and scrunch up my face at the prospect because some damn thing is always knocking at the fucking door. always.

8.18.2001

i've spent the day being boring. i woke up, went to band (yes band), ate lunch, took a bath, and cleaned house after taking a nap. my room looks as if a bomb exploded and a million pieces fell onto my floor. i guess it's true that things get worse before they get better. i can't seem to throw anything away...notes from seventh grade, school papers from freshman year, a broken metronome and a pom pom from a rival school all find haven in the corners of my room. it's hard to change when i carry so much from the past around with me. i've tried to be simple but it's gets hard when things get complicated. now that maria, our exchange student, is here my mother finally caved in to buy some furniture that i have been in need of greatly. so along with my fancy new shelves, i've acquired a foot high by four feet long pile of stuff i don't know what to do with. i'm sure all of these forgotten memories will rest in the new home of a trashcan or in another person's possesion. but it's strange to think that when i go to college, most of everything will be stripped bare.
currently spinning: dan the atuomator: cartoon capers

8.17.2001

i feel like playing pretend. if i had a trampoline i would go out and jump as high as i could...closer and closer to the sun...until the sweat pours down my face and my body grew slicker as i catapult myself upwards...my feet feel lighter as my body melts into a sun warmed liquid shooting up past the trees and clouds and sky...and i am gone.
i am quieted by the sound of their acoustic music and blinded by the beauty of it. so i don't see past my own face.

8.15.2001

have you ever been so caught up in the bad that your forget to see the good?
a tribute:
touches soft with golden love and coy side glances coupled with a smile...
so dangerous to be near you as i play with your fingers
handsome still in the streetlight as i kiss lips that will never be forgotten
-
so this is what it's like to feel tragedy
touching the skin of someone like you
i can smell you in my clothes
and remember your soft strength holding me
our kiss loiters on my lips
no words came to console
when the engine started
(taking me farther away from you)
except for "you are beautiful"
-
it's the little things i'll hold close. the beer resting on your knee during the truman show. knowing i'd never dismiss you. playing devo as your plane took off this morning (as if in one of those movies where the plane leaves and the girl is at home, remembering). the belt buckle. sun lotion on the hillside. your sexy back. the seventh inning stretch. your smile. watching you in front at emo's...wanting to have you play boyfriend on the street. laughing hysterically at pervy jokes. and sitting so close.
something you'll never forget: ben folds: the luckiest
dedicated to my first day of school (yesterday): i think i write like i do because of my dad. this is an email he sent me from work across the ocean:
hi girls, just a note to note I'm thinking of you. guess the school thing has
just about taken over the summer thing; and books, pencils, some person standing
and talking in front of a seated group of semi alert young people is much of the
order of the day. the days are getting imperceptively shorter and the cool of
the morning lasts just a bit longer before a squawk from a folded brass tube in
a band hall distroys the thought. the new smell and most of the new feel of new
clothes are in memory and alarm clocks have just now become such a pain. what I
or you did this summer is becoming less noteworthy, if those things really ever
were, and what I or you will do this afternoon together has become very
noteworthy. without logic, as if by magic-the dynamics and balance of
friendships and groups has shifted during the absence. someone is now more
interesting, someone else is now more of a stranger, someone is now a hunk and
someone else is looks like middle school. how did this happen, all that did
happen is that we took off for a couple of months. why is it different? oops
there's the bell, gotta go... love you both, dad

8.12.2001

a mixtape soundtrack playing the words i wish i could say when we two talk. i will not give you up.
i was honest today. and i saw him smile out of the corner of my eye. i like to share the concrete ground with you, sweetness.
all of a sudden, my family is hosting a foreign exchange student from germany. i attempted to prepare my room in five hours...but many things occur in five hours. i swear, she knows english better than i do.
i am a transition
we escaped to emo's from a different atmosphere to see the u.s.bombs and the circle jerks. old time rockers, mullets, teenage punkers and generic joe blows mashed together in one small room. so close to every hot sweaty body, collectively swaying and screaming along. too many things going on. the lights, the pit, the fights, the music. i had some makeshift earplugs.
sun and sex. massages of sun lotion in the shade of a looming pecan tree. if i could speak i would tell him. the water was cold and my head, peeking out from the liquid plastic surface, was warm and floaty in prospect.
school, the shit itself, starts tuesday. i will come out of the sun, the water, the days that last until four am, anti-job break, into something familiar and yet, anew with age.
again, i feel cold for one.
"we're not twenty-one, but the sooner we are the sooner the fun can begin. get out your fake eyelashes and fake ideas and real disasters and true it's cool to take these chances, it's cool to fake romances and grow up fast and grow up fast and grow fast and grow up fast" dashboard confessional
pedro the lion is coming on her birthday, so i won't get to go with him. "in time memories fade..."
currently spinning: pedro the lion: the longest winter
have you ever wanted something so badly that you can taste it on your tongue? and as much as you try, you can't get it out of your mind no matter how much you tell yourself that you should.

8.08.2001

oh lordy, the wonder years and ice cream sandwiches...what a wonderful breakfast.

8.06.2001

i just did something very brave.
"the three of us need to resolve an issue before school starts. i did my part.."
it's the beginning of something i don't know the results of and a likely possibility that for one of us it won't end well. but we're all connected, so the outcome will be shitty regardless. but it needs to end and be resolved.
oh fuck. super fuck.
but i am strong.

8.05.2001

(from some "weezer" song, i dl'd it as that but you never know)
"you broke my record, you broke my heart"
records go around and around like cds like the earth like the solar system. i dreamed last night i was in beauty. a tall mountain stood before us, it's importance only that this was where the moon and the sun collided to create sparks of light, electric pulses and lava flows of hot molten rock and sun sparkles. they sat on a wooden bench while i took pictures and could barely see through the viewfider. i have a fear of becoming blind. that every color around me will become muted as my sight shrivels into nothing.
i took a shower and stepped back into my pajamas. no one is going to see because no one is going to call. i think i'll be good though. being alone has it's perks.
currently spinning: weezer: congratulations

8.04.2001

i've heard enough britney and dance mixes and muzak to supply the army with a lifetime supply of torture. i think we were breaking the house rules by searching for damn britney spears sites.
"they have naked pictures on here"
"do they?"
"we're not supposed to look at the naked pictures"
"oh"
kids are pretty cool. i mean, i guess i can handle being a human horse, a jungle gym and a girl with a phd at seventeen.
currently spinning: fountains of wayne: i wanna sink to the bottom with you
but it was a dream about natasha having a mullet and it was scary...i think i had too much sugar last night

8.02.2001

i am so bad at pool, i giggle just thinking about it. yesterday, billy and i teamed up to play against another pair. i really wanted to break so he was like, ok cool. first time...miss this triangle of balls...second time...miss the balls again...third time throw the cue at the triangle for a nice break. even after the first attempt, billy's rolling on the floor laughing. he's not any better though b/c he's a chronic cue popper. the cue ball landed off the table about four time average per game. sucking blow pops and laying on the table were key strategies. i flipped the stick over a few time to have more area to hit with. every time team billykelly missed, we covered by saying, oh yeah, we're just setting up for the ultimate win. right...
being bad at something that someone else is bad at too is a good way to bond. we laugh till the point of freedom.
currently spinning: the impossibles: never say good-bye
there is a difference between obvious and hidden beauty. for me, the hidden tends to leave more of an impression..spanning time.