the last thing i saw last night and the first thing i saw today. it's in the smile and it's in the eyes. cause something's changed.
he kissed me last night.
built to spill + me + him. trey's the only guy i know who would dance with me. we sat in the dirt outside while bts played freebird.
his house opened up for us after the show and denny's. he sat me down on the couch, and we joked about hulk hogan's musical debut and being sassy. we talked as the clock switched numbers in minutes and hours. he sat closer and closer to me...and all of sudden it happened. i couldn't get enough of him, my hands trying to memorize his face. b/c he's mine now. and i'll never want to forget.
trey walked me to the car and we held hands as he protected me from the hustlers. no one else was out as we leaned up against the car and kissed in the streetlight.
currently spinning: dr. octagon: blue flowers


i've been very sad lately. and i hate to think about it and spell it out to the world.
this girl walks by me in the hall everyday when i am leaving the school building. and everyday she motions to a girl i have yet to see that walks behind me. she shouts out, "hey nicole, i'm going to my locker." and points in the direction of her locker.
and i wonder why she does this. it happens everyday. does that much change in a twenty-four hour period?
school = questionable
i heard a lion sing last night.
music wafting in and out the doors on the first chilly night of autumn, caught with the breeze and brought the beauty to the ears of the emo kids sitting on the picnic tables and gravel floor. pearly gates opened with mechanical girl and old singer. to be in the second half of your existence and still playing words that cause us to speak and emote gives reason worthy to the heaven-like metaphor. ester drang, is as we agreed, radiohead and grandaddy's love child...flowing softly from one form to another,still echoing outside the indoor mugginess and few circulating fans. as expected, cute girl and boy hold hands as their heads sway in time. they turn to face one another and smile or whisper in close proximity. the leaves in the trees blew in the wind, a rustle that when added to the sound waves of the indoors created a tranquil, dreamy state of mind.
pedro the lion. ear candy and mind becomes drugged in the beauty of it all. eyes slide from his face and the stranger across the room whose eyes, growing open and shut (uncontolled), relay his bliss in which we share. david bazan's voice rolls over me like honey. and i am happy.


we went to houston over the weekend. there is a reason i do not like this town. and the reason is condom sense. it makes me wonder if life is worth living when there are people striving to own stores that sell strictly condoms out on the highway.
other than that mishap, the trip went pretty well. we spent the day at the museum of natural science. i learned about oil and energy and butterflies. maria and i spent thirty minutes trying to catch a blue morpho in the "rainforest". i always wanted to go to the rainforest. i was quite the "save the environment" girl when i was younger. i'd sing songs and dream about walking on the wood and rope bridges high up in the trees. the monkies would hook me up with a guava. and birds would fly down and sing me songs.
i used to sit out on our front porch and hold my arm out, so a passing sparrow could land on my finger....just like in mary poppins and snow white. it never did happen. but i bet it happens more than people get struck by lightening.


how did become the end of the week?
i was bad this week. and i liked it...late night ruckus. we giggled our asses off and then rode the rollercoaster road. i feel like trouble.
worn in wife beaters are funny. i wore my pirate hat to blockbuster tonight for five bucks...but i would have done it anyway. i think i come off as an airhead when i hyped on caffeine.
we rode in daniel's ford probe today, skipping first period for brekky tacos. d's got a pretty voice. he played me a song he's going to sing for the senior talent show and now i can't stop listening to it.
currently spinning: good charlotte: seasons


screaming by the time all lights blur red. angry angry angry and violent. why can't this person just disappear and then, then life would move on. no more face of pure inner ugliness. refused screaming through speakers, out through open windows and into the dark night. never hated before. do not want to start now...but the more she tears at what she wants in two people, the easier it becomes. and no one else sees it.


i'm eating string cheese for sorrows.
there is a strange little red bug creeping across the desk top. i want this bug to be my friend.
i find sexiness in a boy bending over the engine of his car.
today was a blur and all i remember was the sixty year old man singing "area codes" and "batter up" for us as he pulled some old skool moves for us.
ben and ali have boyfriends at the same time, so i feel a little lonely.

me and chuck talk about having a friend for all the time. someone from dusk shadows to midnight moonlight to bright sun rising and dusty afternoons to damp gray day. i want someone to keep my bed warm. a soft amber rim surrounding so close soft cheeks pressed against white pillow and subtle stand out eyes, looking into the face of a friend for all times, while arms wrap around bare skin or soft worn cotton dress shirts. imagine the familiar beauty of knowing smooth lips and every curve and arch. a hand to hold in the dark. someone to read good books outloud with by lamplight and closed blinds is going to make me happy for the rest of my life.
currently spinning: ash: girl from mars


my head is in the clouds constantly, with the stars spinning around.
the sunset is glossy and different every day. golden colored blankets keeping the sky warm when it gets dark. i want to keep your bed warm as we talk until sleep takes over.
all of a sudden it clicks.
currently spinning: rumbleseat: saturn in crosshairs
i try to find important things to write about but it all seems so mundane right now.
currently spinning: air: sexy boy


garages are good places. you can do stupid things in garages that go down in history. we dance we play music and we blow up things in garages. i salute the garage i never had and the teenage boys and girls who allowed me to loiter in theirs.
never knew that sneaking food with you would be so much fun. i shouldn't think anything of it. but...it was cute the fishing story was lost on you. and the lasso move was classic. i'll never forget that face as long as i live.
i thought this was pretty cool:
"if time travel was possible, then why haven't we been invaded by tourists from the future?" - good ol' stephen hawkings
i learned that time travel is probable as are parallel universes. interesting
currently spinning: ben's radio show


the clouds, today, looked like matted cotton from long loved blankets.
i stopped looking for boys. i came to this conclusion in the build up of "only in dreams" last night in mixed causes tears.
they still spout the fallacies, the stereotypes and the racist comments that add to the heavy tears. life moves on tentatively.
currently spinning: modest mouse: perfect disguise


i feel like i should write about all that happened today, the machines of the sky crashing into the building of the the past, the present, the future. surreal to me, yet all too real for those affected. the news all day, relays the information of an american tragedy...an attack on america and i have heard all sides throughout my passing in these many hours.
"they think they are scaring america, but we are the strongest nation in the world." "it all means something...they blew up our key political and economical buildings." "we haven't bombed anyone since japan." "they could have killed so many more people." "people were jumping out of the buildings." "the remains of the world trade center looked like a broken fence." "coward"
all messages believe the nation is strong and the terrorists are weak. but it is hard to believe through the cloud of debris, the ashen faces of the survivors in new york, the pilot that crashed in pittsburg to, as believed, save the lives of others, the expressions of the ones riding in the fated makshift missile. so many times today have i seen the footage of the plane exploding inside the world trade center from four different angles and our president, in three different places. there are heroes in the scarring of america.
we try to find humor, to make it easier...feeling bad because somewhere else, it is unimaginable how this could be possible. america comes together for the people of the nation. i see differences in the mature and the young. i see the differences in the naivete of children, hollow minds of citizens and concerned minds of americans.
our pain.
in the background: cnn: america under attack


i am lonesome.
i just found out that jimmy eat world is coming. which is a good thing. a very good thing.
i wish i could fly in the sky half sunshine half cloudy drizzle. watch the people below with different faces. a new theory creates a worried tension along with solemn acceptance.
i worry about that new boy. and sometimes i wish i could magically make all the bad things disappear. i talk about holding hands and distance...will you share with me? there's universality to everything and it is hard to find individuality sometimes.
shared breakfast with ben and his new boyfriend. happy. frusterating. nice person but i felt juvenile around him. i am in highschool but i'm not used to feeling like i am. i want out.
the outdoors beckons for a campfire. it'll be nice when we put down the burdens that have a hold on us for so long in the late summer, and replace them with the outdoor blanket of auburn, crimson and chills hugged with the free arms. the grass will still be green (unless already yellowed by summer sun and lack of liquid) until it gives in to an inevitable dormancy dreaming of the prospect of awakening. the autumn stars and harvest moon create the light outside the circle of people around the blazing fire.


that boy never makes eye contact...solemn and walks forward.
first football game of the season. new people to cheer for and new attitude to describe why i do what i do. it's the last first.
casey sat in a tan bus seat, one in front of me. his face varies between light and dark, product of the shadows created by the appearance of dim yellowed streetlights. as his lips move, i listen. and we talk in the darkness.
"you will be suprised by a love you did not expect" not related as far as i know...but it feels good to trust in the unknown.


" i like hearing myself talk. it is one of my greatest pleasures. i often have long conversations all by myself and i am so clever that sometimes i don't understand a single word of what i'm saying."
- oscar wilde
playing the part of the wallflower with buttered popcorn jellybeans.and drowning brain with graphs from pre-cal so as not to hear anything they say, anything but amplitude, cosine and phase shift. yet it all filtrates through the rise and fall of pencil importance.
he is sad...southern boy uprooted and replanted in the confines of an old home, far away from champaign-urbana, urbana-champaign. you make me happy, southern boy, of the dreams of fast colored bikes and night time soundtracks of rumbleseat and bluegrass. we have el reys down here i learned. would you like to share dinner?


small lip prints fade from the surface as warm air from inside fogs the mirror before the girl with shut eyes.
it's the beginning of the end...cliche yet true. i have nearly completed my application to the university of texas at austin. recording extracurics/volunteer and a couple essays away from the judgement of whether or not i'm good enough for them.
currently spinning: death cab for cutie: photobooth


damn, i had the feeling all day that it was the fifth but lo and behold...it is not.
that boy keeps passing me by with a smile that screams, "i'm only doing this because i have to." is it true? thinking positively versus negatively blurring into a questionable truth...too closed are the paths of communications for word of his mouth. i don't know, i don't know, i don't know.
senior career day is coming and i'm having a hard time deciding whether or not to put true desires or to put something down where i can jack around for a day.
we filed into the texas museum yesterday...four fun filled hours off texan history and pride...a tribute in jewels on a spankin' new cadillac, a glass bottle with metal casing spelling out "holy water", pottery, and something to spin so you can smell what oil smells like. american by birth, texan by the grace of god. yee fuckin' haw!
i'm happy for you, baquatic. if anyone deserves one, you do.
currently spinning jessica simpson: irresistable (shut up)


good ol' texas peaches...sweet with ice cream and necter running down my chin.
chuck is always good.
pedro the lion is coming...
autumn night presents all beauty collapsing into one sound.
it all seems to be going by so quickly and the more rushed i feel the sooner i feel i need to make decisions. college is next year for fuck's sake. jesus...and i have to start making decisions about it now. to say i feel required to think about "my life" is an understatement but i still have the ability to pretend it's not happening.
last night's theme of donuts and clockwork orange suited me just fine. how can you pass up forty cent donuts? stellar. the movie...hmm the movie. first time i saw it. so i guess i was in limbo between nausea, absolute hilarity, and deep thought. is it just me or is alex cute for a psycho? jesus...it's that kind of thought that's going to get me into to trouble later on. i can't sit normally at the movies, i'm always curled up in my chair or my knees are pulled up my face. sitting normal just is not comfortable.
i wish i could say more but it all seems to be lost in the blur of life if i don't sit down to think it over.