10.30.2001

god damnit. i don't want to spend my fucking afternoon looking through j crew catalogs to pass the time. fuck fuck fuck. i'll pay someone a hundred dollars to be me at school for a week. it's like drowning in a pool of water rushing up from under the feet in a hole freshly dug. and as my body disappears in the cold surrounding, the sky grows larger.

10.29.2001

stinky and i talked about the austin kid web nerds. i've decided we should have a group wedding and then a mass orgy. i swear, we're already this incestuous group of computer/photo dorks. we could all live in a real web community and have twelve computers and write the same shit on each others blogs and produce strange little kids with huge eyes. we'd never see the light of day.
i think it'd be fun.
fuckin' a i shouldn't be up, but i don't want to face tomorrow so soon
another creepy kelly pick up:
taco xpress has a sign on their door that states, "no pants, no problem(just kidding)"
last week, as i was walking up to the door, some guy started pointing at the sign. i open the door and he says, "hey, you don't need to wear pants here."
"that's alright sir, i'm wearing some and that's working out."

10.28.2001

i looked out the window; the glass warping the outdoors and lone bodies sitting at tables doing their thing. reading a book, sipping on the coffee they've just ordered, or studying while the headphones play music i cannot hear, or resting and watching like i do from the indoors. today the sun was beautiful as the wooden floor soaked in the small rays sneaking around curtained window worlds.
i saw omar, cedric and the drummer of atdi walking down the guadelupe today; and i nearly jumped out of the car so i could profess my love to omar and confide in him that i wanted to have his babies but i decided, i'd look crazy then.
benji and i did his radio show last night, and we were dorks. but the emo was good, the hip hop was better, and the dedications were best. i swear, lordy, anything we do together comes out fun as fuck.
the movie theater kids gave ben a bean bag chair of popcorn. he tried to leave it in my car but i showed that troublemaker.
currently spinning: snatch: supermoves
the girl i lost my virginity to was in a play at the time,"faustus". she was gluttony. you know.. the mortal sin. deadly sin :-)
so you lost your virginity to gluttony, eh?
yep, most people lose it to lust. not me. i've gotta be different
- evan telling me the facts of life
i met james in person last night. mad dinner group met at starseeds late in the night, the moon high in the sky. crowded close in the shabby vinyl booth. semi-circle seat meets love seat with a wobbly table between. the austin kid web nerds. the music was loud but we were louder. felt a little eighties teen movies to me, except with more touching and bad words. the seven of us together spells bombastic explosion of perversion, seduction of both sexes, random spoutings of coca cola from the nostrils, moaning over bad jokes, being sassy or being sexy, nervous tension, and loud shouting of titties and penis. nice, clean, family-friendly dinner conversation over pancakes, veggie tacos and french fries if you ask me.
and he was like me, kind of watching what went on around him in silent appreciation, maybe. and i'd turn to him to remark a random. his smile sent me into the clouds. hard to describe, but it seemed to embody the warmth of stepping indoors after noses have turned red and fingers have frozen underneath the mittens. and inside, we climb under blankets with hot chocolate and print in hand. maybe abstract. more concretely his smile, to me, (as ben can attest to) is the best smile.
we drove home in a sleepy daze, talking as the city slipped away from behind us. the roadkill of the country appeared occasionly and scared the bejeezus out of the three in the car. stinky called and informed us she had just seen a car drive into a brick house just before we drove up his winding street. we dropped him off and i watched him walk up to his door.
currently spinning jets to brazil: in the summer's when you really know

10.26.2001

i found out his name tonight, shouted across the mass of speaking people. and i saw him smile for the first time.
there's not an answer for everything, no matter how badly you want to know.
i see that boy and it's like, pow!
x married our names, k plus d. secretly, i wish it was true.

10.25.2001

i feel shitty...maybe if i stop listening to crying music and smash something electronic, i'll feel better.
when i see them i wonder why? and question the life beyond myself in closure. as a kid, i used to create popsicle stick houses. my mom still has one in her office, covered in a thin layer of dust. most of the stuff i made long ago sits in boxes...we stopped collecting once i hit junior high...to the left of me, laying on the desk in solitude, is a blank tape. one hundred and ten minutes of high bias high energy performance cd power quality high-precision rciii cassette mechanism, side a face up. my mind slithers within to fill its' inside with the songs that keep me satisfied. my mother is out of town until sunday. in a way, i think i'm depraved for not even thinking of throwing some cliche highschool party or inviting some boy to take advantage of me. i don't think i'll look back with regret because i'm smart enough to know they wouldn't come for me. there is a boy i watch when i wander to whichever destination it is i am headed towards during the day. i wish he would smile, i don't think i ever have seen it before. how can i fall in love with someone who never smiles in the hall? brown haired boy is just passing me by in life. and i guess i'm not too sad about it. that's the way it is for the majority of the people you see in life.
someone put the blue flannel sheets on my bed, so when i climb inside i feel cozy and soft. and the banjo music makes me happy. i dream about what only happens in dreams. when i wake up without the alarm and the room glows with sunlight, it all begins again.
currently spinning:jimmy eat world: for me this is heaven

10.23.2001

did i fall asleep or did you make time go by so quickly? for a second, i woke up to your face. the setting sun glowing around your hair. and i smile with your smile.
i shut my eyes because it seems too perfect.
observing seemed to be today's theme. what i spotted while sitting at a red light helped me understand the world. out the window on one side, the driver side, a woman sat tall in her toyota four runner spurting a fountain of important words into her cell phone, red lip stick lips mechanical. and out the other window, the passenger side, a short woman examined her wallet as her son stood by, watching closely as she opened every pocket, then after several second she turned it upside down and laughed; no dollars floated out or down. her son grinned.
the talks of existentialism and fate, i am confused with what?
he stood over his locker in the shadows of the school hallway. we waved hello but i don't think it's the same anymore.

10.21.2001

the dam over the lake reflects in ripples of water its green and golden light. overlooking, with watchful and familiar windows, a bridge in its wake. silent. concrete and metal. but eerily beautiful.
i am ready for warm wooly sweaters.
i brought daniel with us to the pop fest at emo's. you know that feeling when you just feel comfortable with someone and you can say anything and it's alright? i dunno, i feel close to him even though we've never really hung out before...cristina and i made fun of this crazy dancer guy. that alone was worth the ten bucks we paid to get in. flailing of limbs and uncontrollable swaying. d had to jump back a few times because the guy's hands threatened a little to closefor comfort to copping a feel. he makes me smile, daniel does. and the three of us sat in the gravel, laughing and listening. enjoyed attention and sunset valley. i liked leaning close to talk to him over the noise of the night and seeing all the faces he makes. his tinfoil spoon was pure genius. it's nice to have someone new to talk to.
"im going to cry myself some friends" a close and special friend of mine
so many things start to get old as the chapter is about to change.
ben and i celebrated our one year soul twin anniversary over italian food. and the boy who sat us in the trolley gave me the eye and we giggled. thank you for the lessons, being the man and checking out boys at the same time, the jokes, the coffee, the music and the ass grabbing. we're crazy, you and i, but we're crazy together and that's what counts.

10.18.2001

i always say i know what i want to do, then i reverse in two seconds and become unsure.
way to get excited about a the future as we follow the footsteps of previous high school seniors. enter university of texas photojournalism. senior career day might actually have helped out this young thing.
i liked it in the dust and cold and flashing colors. and dougie payne's pimpy dancing. travis played music. and the boys in front of us danced, too...to music of flowers and the people you pass on the street and never think twice of. smiles from people we've never met. fran healy's (future husband) voice flowed down in scottish pools of brandy and sunshine. warm and rich. i closed my eyes and it kept the wind chill away.
currently spinning: travis: twenty

10.16.2001

strawberry kisses
so forbidden in the back seat
he's so addictive and
i am one to give in
-
a few minutes ago, the army sent a man jumping out of a plane. pink smoke and an american flag. he floated down to land on the football field. join the army and listen to van halen.

10.14.2001

i felt urban today.
daddy and i painted cermics as the outdoors came in through the doors of the ceramic mug. gold and green. the sky rested bold in blue, reflecting in the windows of the tall business buildings of down town. and the photographs form inside my mind. the little girl skipping in time to that sheryl crow song playing on the car radio. sunshine shining through golden hair. the retired reddy ice building and the skeletons of an unbuilt city.
we felt oh so junior high. flashing colored lights dancing off the glitter and a fog machine creating a smoky atmosphere for three feet of people. the homecoming dance.
ben as my date, dressed in indie rock pants and plaid button up shirt. i in a red fairy dress and sporty eighties jacket. we, along with ali and doug, approach the austin music hall, our breath fogging in front of our faces. boys searched and then we enter. hip hop and heavy beats resonate in our ears. ben and i opt to head off for the food table. survey the people and half an hour into our visit we begin to get into it. giggles about "white dancing" and frighteningly sexual dancing. ben and i got flashed like fifty times. but we didn't really care. i kept exclaiming, "oh my god, this is the best time ever!" (my first highschool dance and ben's first one that counted) and he kept yelling at me for getting too into it and making sexy faces. like carrie said we couldn't dance without laughing. ben and i almost getting kicked out was the climax of the evening:
"your penis should not be touching her butt."
yes the gay boy and me, sexual tension out the wazoo. no no, when i danced with the freshman boy...yowza!
this is so fucking highschool.
the day we played arch rival school, westlake, the theme was camo. white shirt with taped on paper money ...westlake camo.
my buddy matt, streaked last friday. and now he's not allowed to graduate with our class. natalie and i going to start a petition for his inclusion in that glorious day. that kid is such a bad ass. i only wish i had gotten to see his fine ass in action.
a boy in our class crashed his car into a telephone pole on thursday night. we found out the morning after. between second and third, i heard he was in a coma. half the school was gone on friday. a contusion and pockets of bleeding in his brain.
"he just came out of surgery. the doctors asked that if he could hear them to raise a finger and he did."
"his sister will be back soon, but we probably wont see taylor for a long time."
teachers and students cried together. and sullen faces crowd the hallways.
taylor and i had english together last year. sophomore year, he was class president. and he used to do the morning announcements on k-ahs.
i hardly saw him in the halls this year but knowing that the fluke of meeting is now obsolete...i wish i had known him better.

10.11.2001

so much to do, probably enough time to accomplish the evening's goals but...i know myself well enough to say that it won't happen.
about twenty two hours ago, benji, maria and i stepped into an elevator ascending to austin city limits. while we rode upwards, i handed ben something to stick in his bag.
"i'm not your servant, woman."
"he hasn't learned that yet."
some random woman turned to me and exclaimed this.
anyway, we saw brad paisley (i had never heard of him.) so if you want to hear us screaming, tune to your local pbs station in a couple of months when it airs.
we walked into the rain from the dry lit concrete. under streetlights and past stopped cars and closed shops. phone located within the metro, a smoky fog. dial and cheat the system. next door, college boys compete for dance dance revolution glory but outside the dreariness shines with headlights and electric signs.
currently spinning: the jealous sound: bitter strings

10.09.2001

today, i gave trey an eraser...because it's all right to make mistakes. it was one of those gum erasers and on the back of the package, a statement exclaimed, "do not chew this..."
i'm feeling the lovin' of the nightime. i stay out after the city and only the wind and the streetlights remain to see what i do not. four a.m. shares an empty solitude. if i turn down all my noise, the darkness hums nothing but car tires rolling slowly. places change as the clouds hang low and hidden, blending into the body that surrounds. something in the tall parking lot lights of the grocery store that attract bugs and create sparkles on metallic streamers of red and blue and in dark windows resting beneath.
i thought, maybe a label would help me feel at ease. you are my friend for all times. more than...
last night, i realized how we are beautiful.
currently spinning: debussy: clair de lune

10.07.2001

when i was younger and even now, on days like today, i used to wonder what would happen if i hurt myself and ended up in the hospital. who would care enough to show up? i guess the overall dream of the situation was for people who never said they were sorry, to come and apologize...for people who couldn't show how they felt about me to show up and tell me how much i meant to them. like my being almost dead was reason enough for them to straighten out all that confused them. i wanted to change the way people felt about me. and i still do, in a way i guess.
i've been frusterated over so many different factors lately that it's hard to place exactly what is getting to me now b/c a lot of the times i get on myself for feeling the way i do. am i selfish? or am i too considerate?
i want this attention from others and when i'm not getting it i keep quiet. but i think of sick fucking ways to get it.

10.06.2001

on a whim, ben and i stepped forth into the newly chilled outdoors and into my car. emos hosted murder city devils last night along with sparta. sparta rocked my socks off. the singer is formerly from atdi, so of course it was beyond belief. go figure their first show was in austin. (what austin rocks? what?) i can't really explain what it meant to see them. atdi would have been my dream show and now that they "broke up" i have to see them in pieces. (omar and cedric are coming in a couple of weeks. my chance to profess my love to omar so i can have his babies.)life is good. nothing beats crazy stage activities in cheering people up. murder city devils' bassist can cheer me up any time. damn. crowded sweaty bodies and loud music. it's going to be one of those things i remember for life.
currently spinning: sparta: cut your ribbon

10.05.2001

stunning revelation:
in less than six months, i will be eighteen. look out porn industry! here cums a triple x hot and willing barely legal highschool senior girl! yowza!
in school lately, i've been feeling like my body is nothing but a shuddle for what i'm supposed to be doing. it takes me places while my mind stays detached. in the end...nothing comes out of the experience and i walk away.
cristinky and i ate at a mexican dive on east congress. the grease adds to the loveliness of flavor. i think we're sad...both of us. about the way things have turned out. we're all totally different. but she'll always be my shebeast.
i ate at the fucking mall for lunch two. the only good thing that came out of that was that i found my sleep number at the sleep store. i'm a fifteen. something soft for my delicate ways. hahaha.
it hurts when what you say is different from what you feel.
i gave johnny his mix tape yesterday. hours of work for him. in a way a goodbye to the past. since yesterday afternoon, all smiles i get from him are genuine and all things seem a little better because of it.
daniel helped me out with my homework today. i seriously have no idea why he did it. i just handed my physics to him and was like, "can you do any of this? you can do it for me if you want." and then i started laughing. but two minutes later he handed it back to me with a few free body diagrams done. so i attempted to hook him up with a free taco coupon but it resulted in a hug. life rocks.
i like how benji and i hook each other up with interesting presents. a couple of days ago i recieved naughty by nature's first cd.
currently spinning: weezer: acoustic jamie

10.04.2001

place each foot down slowly and deliberately.

10.03.2001

WhenHumansAttack: i saw like 10 hot guys just walking from the bus to here down the street
WhenHumansAttack: this one guy going into the gym looked at me
WhenHumansAttack: which obviously means he wants me
it's nice to have someone that makes me smile at all times even if we don't know what it means.
it's so fucking confusing. and to know that if only i were older...it bothers me to not know what to expect.
last night was beautiful.
no one knows but us. and in a sense, it makes us seem more special.

10.02.2001

i am a little sad. the best solution i came up with was to jam in my rolly chair to the police's "roxanne". can we say rocks-anne?
the song that got stuck in my head is ironic, i guess. i skipped my blow off to be with him. and we lay in close proximity. close enough so the small pieces of him became all that occupied my vision.
you make me sad and happy.
"you smell like a woman."
"i try"
can't stop looking in those eyes and giving eskimo kisses as the sun silouettes your face.
you were right. it is hard to stay away from you.
it's strange for me to believe it has all happened. a life that seem so mundane and generic now seems exciting when i can see your face. and it scares me yet creates awe with the beauty of potential.
currently spinning: jimmy eat world: a praise chorus