12.31.2001

i come to pick you up at the airport armed with a single white flower which you managed to crush on multiple occasions...i oughtta kick you for that. houf arrt'd? the boy i've seen but never met, your best friend. mishka, jewish boy wonder. serious face from ben's photos smiling directly in front of me. it's hard to describe you, mike. sassy, shaggy and unshowered. i realized the inevitable fall while we espionaged mckinney falls as we braved new paths, being brutally scratched by the spiney trees, when we jumped the seven foot wide by five foot visible drop chasm of old winter stagnant water. thanks for sitting on the log so i could never fall in. once my foot hit the other side, i saw you silouetted by the warm rays of sun defining every detail in your face. we skipped rocks, ben and mike and me. or really, i tried with your coaching. rocks succesively skipped by you two: one million. rocks successfully skipped by me: one. it was fresh outdoors and the wind stung bare skin and you were warm.
so i seduced you, did i? i told myself not to pull any moves on the guy who will fly away on wednesday. but somehow it happened. we shared the same straw on the first day you were here. i remember the strawberry banana seemed much more delightful with the taste of you on the straw. whether it was in first sight at the airport or talking about radio hip hop or while the three of us slept in the warm bed i made for you after cyber ninja. i found out about you at the show. beer in the system let your secret out, i guess. and you forced me to wear your hat so the outside heater would not burn my head. our skin touched through blue jeans and winter coats, your converse meeting my sauconys. and i smiled as your hand found it's way into my back pocket. feed me russian candies for the time you are here and i promise to not forget you.

12.28.2001

i have warm cheeks that rest on shoulders.

12.27.2001

i miss that boy.
i walk in shoes that match the autumn leaves, dry and brushing on the concrete. the main character manipulates the cliches into beautiful workings of love in the marrow and blood. cold now, in black sweater, as i remember your warm sweater (the color of wheat).
tonight, i ate a baked potato that i stole from and imaginary santa claus in david sedaris' santaland diaries. made with extra love and care by the friendly oven and hands of keanu (he looks like the reeves one, but his real name is colin), baked potato soft with sour cream, cheese and bacon, hot while the windows are cold. magnolia cafe is my place, the diner for only i and my friends, too. we took my sister along, and for the first time i realized how fun it was to have her there. i mean, she was laughing at me. (and really, who wouldn't?) i make her smile. it's weird that i'll be gone next year. keanu sat down with us for a spell and got my digits. and cristina gave me that look and i was like, "it's not about the dating." it's really about a mean baked potato.
"i like a girl with big potatoes to mash, baby" i swear, the best line in a song ever.

12.26.2001

funny things i read or saw today:
i can see your point, but i still think you're full of crap.
greenkiss: dude, some woman who bought popcorn from me had a yellow stain on her crotch and i was scared
stinkyneedsacure: sick
stinkyneedsacure: i bet you wanted to smell it
greenkiss: and then there was another guy who ordered his stuff from me in an accent and then he started prattling off words and phrases like "fifty thousand" and talked about buying a person while speaking in a normal american accent
greenkiss: i wanted to punch him
greenkiss: he was orange, not tan, but orange
greenkiss: with white hair
greenkiss: so he looked like ernie (of ernie and bert fame) all grown up if they had lived in las vegas
stinkyneedsacure: so really he looked like your future husband
greenkiss: eww no
i'm sorry has no power over the ones i love and does not console my mind either, for how can it take meaning when i know i do not deserve to be forgiven.

12.25.2001

i am warm in worn and soft lavender terry cloth robe, covered from the cold before the water hits my body. and the drain sucks up my sorrow (hopefully) as i remove all the dirt from my skin.
the plate of waffles before me stares golden brown (like that song by the stranglers) with white tips where the batter could not quite fill the squares of heat. i add my butter and as the syrup pours, filling each tiny square, my heart too sinks and invisible tears stream down my face. the smell of fresh cardboard dyed with red ink and white send shivers through my body and goose bumps up my leg, even though i still hide underneath gray fleece and blue flannel. i am tuned out and tuned into godspeed, you black emperor as my eyes dart across the pages of written on the body...my christmas book, hoping to find solace in someone else, even though the narrator is imaginary. my toes are cold as i am not dressed but in pajamas i do not have the energy to get out of for i have to be at work in an hour and a half. i deserve my shitty day, even though the sun shines brightly outside and the chords of the songs playing on the strereo are major and not minor. my christmas is the build up of all i didn't know and all that i can kick myself about for time to come. i am joyous today for different reasons, mainly because i made it through the night and am sitting here with a passion to write. they don't know anything is wrong, my mother and my sister i mean, because it seems easy today for me to hide a fractured heart. i know that it will heal, because i am young enough to believe. but until then, i stay quiet. my arms and legs prickle with the spines of cold, both literally and mentally. i face my repercussions, but with downcast eyes that bleed into my heart. i hate being sad, but i have sad eyes. eyes that share the struggle i've learned comes often. you're allowed to worry about me, so why can i not worry about you?
the church freed me tonight. i am glad to have felt safe in a candlelit place that i only visit once or twice a year. i used to feel scared in church, but tonight the singing congregation and choir soothed my pained heart. and i prayed for beauty and understanding in myself and the world around me while i took communion. i felt dirty there but the god i believe in watches me and waits for me to figure it out. because who am i if i cannot take the consequences of my actions?

12.24.2001

they're one of the few kinds that don't suck... i'm investing hard cash in your sexual future, like you've been granted a sexual scholarship from the love doctor evan.
-evan, speaking on behalf of my christmas present
if i could do it over again, i'd take you. i know that now you don't love me even though i love you, and it makes all the complications even more sad. i cried more today than i have in a year b/c i love you and i was too dumb to realize it.
i'm sorry. i'm sorry i hurt everyone and i'm sorry that you can hate me now. i'm sorry i can't find the words to explain and i'm sorry i can't make you understand. i'm sorry for all of it.
i'm sorry that something that was beautiful is now dystroyed.
but most of all, i'm sorry i hurt you.

12.23.2001

p.s. pervs, i'm still a virgin
my eyes still droop with desire and my belly still pulses with touch. strong hands pulling at new skin and fingers wandering to feel the female body laying before him. warm and rhythmic and the friction of tongue upon tongue while my hair flops in his eyes creating a dark cavern of us, his face handsome in the shadows. he explores my body with soft lips and confident fingers, hot to the touch while the windows fog around us. i like our bodies together, fitting into one another with friendly eyes. piano melodies and soft whispers are our only sounds of true comprehension while the rest is interpretive.
we read each other, the written pages in front of our eyes before and the writing of peach warmth minutes later. cigarette cursive spelling nonsense in the air as we discuss freud, existentialism and fate, eyes meeting followed by my head buried in the nape of his neck. i feel safe while i look up from his belly and into his eyes relaying his truths and worries.
kisses, many kisses, again and again. still not enough to tide me over while he is away. he handed me a wrapped present and underneath its' sheets, his favorite book for me. i'll still taste him on my lips as i read the printed pages.
i think i've seen you before.
i've met someone...out of the blue.
he approached me, dressed in winter wear, nervous like me. i smiled at his friendly eyes as we acted like we had been together forever. he could be cautious yet gracefully confident while he shared with me. and i'm sure i had that stupid grin all night. ben folds five "mess" and red house painters "katy song" playing in one ear while he spoke to the other.
and all i could remember was ben saying that it could happen anywhere, even in best buy (but we were at cheapos).
and in his spare time, he reads and writes. will he ever read to me? while we were talking outside and while the smoke from his cigarette drifted into the air, i shivered in the cold and with anticipation. words came easy as my guard let down and he opened up . the two of us finding the new in each other.
he falls asleep to jazz. and the night outside causes weary head to greet soft pillow in a room echoing with the low croon of sweet beauty that i too will be listening to.
currently spinning: nina simone: lilac wine

12.22.2001

i read the adventures of huckleberry finn before bed last night. and today i used my fingers and a machine to create while the beats of mtv's clique of hip hop and pop flashed sex on the screen before me.

12.21.2001

the sky is still sunny, but i only notice the bare branches of the winter trees.
sweet jesus, today is dull. i feel like kicking things. certain people would attribute that to sexual frustration, but that's a lie.
i hate it when people won't tell the truth. expressions show their reality, and if those are false, use your actions and not your words. my mom once told me that saying "i love you" is not as meaningful showing that you love them. arrrggg.
i spent my yesterday on a ladder above the ground stringing stars and colored bulbs around the house. after the divorce, i adopted the job. true, i'll invite others over to help, but i usually have them fetch lights for me when one is burnt out. i guess it's my special moment, hanging the lights. alone and in control as strange as it might seem. i focus, and all the other swirls of emotion disappear in my current state of mind.
multiple ass grabs and imitations of frodo. close quarters and early christmas presents. i wish i could make you smile just by looking at you like i used to. we walked down the trail of lights, full of color and music. i guess this year i didn't notice the reindeer or the ice world as much as i noticed the people i was with. evan, i don't know about the spankings...didn't float my boat. the yule log sparked into the air little fairies disappearing. and i spun under the newly redecorated patriotic christmas tree until i fell over, giggled and then pulled someone down with me. chocolate brown, cider gold and rosy frozen cheeks.
cliche kelly boy comment: the boy a barnes and noble scares me b/c he is so beautiful. and i watch him while he is behind the counter wearing dark gray sweaters. and his smile seems so sweet in the world of written pages that surround him. we passed him as we walked down the sidewalk carrying bags, and he was holding his book open, eyes and mind totally engrossed in whatever lay inside. and i wish that someday he'll be as engrossed in me.
currently spinning: the beatles: in my life

12.20.2001

hmm well...the room is cold. have i eaten anything today? yeah...a chicken burger from mcgina's.and now there's a tub of pretzels on my lap. i should go now.

12.17.2001

someone ripped holes in the clouds for me to see the stars hidden behind. and later, when i stepped outside, the night was clear with small wisps of clouds rushing by and the clouds of my own breath.
last night does not seem real even though the memory stays tangible and breathing. bittersweet hot cocoa that causes paranoia; what if it really doesn't taste too hot? i guess it didn't matter, because there was more warmth at two in the morning than there has ever been at three in the afternoon. and i thought it could never be done. soft and friendly and becoming familiar as we whisper to make sure mother does not wake up. two in the soft pulses of red and gold, green and blue colored lights cascading around our fake christmas tree.
the sun shines now from behind me, creating sexy shadows in the curtains and illuminating dark magnolia leaves bright and transparent. i walk upon a new rug of soft sunlight projected onto the floor , warming my cold toes from the cold air seeping through the cracks underneath the doorway.
currently spinning: bright eyes: movement of a hand

12.15.2001

i ran around on a busy intersection, standing still while cars sped past. i picked up a lucky penny, worn and scratched, from the center of the first lane made of black asphalt.
we raised money for those who work hard. the rain did not stop our collection. apple cider warmed my tummy. and as cliche as it sounds, the giving warmed my heart.
stink called me from tahoe, and we talked about shoes for half an hour. which to an outsider seems stupid, but we had a good time even though she's states away.
i don't know what to do because it all builds up inside me. the affections missed and the day dreams of reading and gently kissing are in abundance. half the time, i can't fully understand what i'm missing so a reality of illusions manifests within me. strange thoughts keep me up at night as i wish on plastic stars and pray to whomever i think may be listening.
currently spinning: weezer: (cover of) velouria

12.13.2001

last night, i thought everything was bad. and then it wasn't. the two of us sat in the bleachers listening to holiday music from flutes, cellos, and vibraphone. and we noticed all the little things, the moving heads and funny breathing, until we laughed enough to get those around us to stare with looks of death because their children were playing joyful noises unto the lord. i dunno about that.
and i asked him, alright ben. b/c i told you i could do it. now we just have to see if he shows up. jesus. it's one thing to have ben picking on me about boys, but it's another thing for him to get my mother in on it. yes, i have super flirt moves that sent them into hysterics.
ben and i were tired until we walked into toy joy. our eyes reflecting the flashing lights and our fingers rubbed the soft stuffed animals. he got a whole crowd of people to start playing with the shelves of plastic musical instruments. that was no picnic though. i don't remember much, but i remember being happy.
strawberry banana milkshake in the cold. we must be crazy. but i snuggled in my black peacoat as ben and i took turns reading nineteen eighty-four on a metal swinging loveseat outdoors under the colored lights of spiderhouse. and to make us crazier, someone upstairs started spinning a three six mafia mix, starting with "ass and titties". we bounced and rapped alone but in heaven, flailing around because we were laughing so hard. i racked in the points and you didn't, ugly!
i made fun of short people today and that's all i remember.
currently spinning: jimmy eat world: the middle

12.11.2001

i cry now because my body hurts so much and my mind won't cease its' thinking while the sides of my head pound outward. like the cold rain that flows down the car window salt water trickles from the corner of my eye, and i scream in an enclosed box with windows and doors. school and my constant thought have made me sick and the headaches keep me awake. and i still have to go back tomorrow.
one second makes all the difference. what would happen if you missed the bus?
i love laughing with my friends...hysterics makes life simple and fun. i guess i don't look like much, but i pack a lot of pow. and i have decent sized guns for releasing the tiger on anyones face. donuts and hot chocolate cold saturday. foam. and he came semi-drunk, that evan character, and left proud and understood. while stink and ben and i gazed in awe over streetlit tagging.
my legs need to be stretched, my body needs to be rubbed, and my heart needs hugs. i miss you, miso. it'd be pretty to be steamy and well read.
the train hasn't passed by tonight. so the evening seems strangely unfamiliar.

12.08.2001

i started work on thursday. two ladies walk up and one asks for a bottle of water. i retrieve it and wait for her to hand me her money.
"i'm going to the bathroom, i need to prepare for this." speaking of the water, which was amusing. while waiting, i turn to the other woman and ask her if i can do anything for her.
"no, i'm with her."
to which the other woman replies in a whiny voice, "she's been following me around all day!"
i dunno, i though it was entertaining...

12.07.2001

i am so scared right now, and i don't know whether or not i have a real reason to be. apparently ben didn't show up to work today and i can't get a hold of him so i'm scared shitless. maybe i'm overreacting, but i'm worried. i just wish i knew everything was alright. i wish i knew.

12.06.2001

i like peanut butter on saltine crackers.
when the clock reads eleven eleven or when i see the first star i see tonight, i doubt my wishes really will come true. sometimes i don't even have wishes. out of habit come the crossed fingers, little rhymes and squeezed shut eyes. the world seemed two dimensional today and gray clouds popped out occasionally, enough to make it seem that i am floating without purpose or true freedom of choice.

12.04.2001

i like taking pictures of myself when i'm crying.
so i'm a badass in blue jeans and those fly round eye sunglasses. i've got the rose-colored ones on. so even though the vision is a little dulled it's toasty in blur.
-
soooo tired
wanting to curl up with you
even though it is day there
and night here
-
these mothers keep slipping down my nose, causing me to pull the bookish move of sliding them up with one pointed index finger. it's fuckin' ten thirty, and they're all in bed. someday i'll be cute and everyone will love me. nothing artistic comes dripping through theses lips or flowing through these veins. i'm pulsing quick thought and initial reaction. i feel like closing my eyes and changing perspective. ripping the marrow out of life and loving it. don't care bout the results right now b/c i'm in the present.
i feel like i haven't talked to people in like, a hundred years, when in actuality it's been maybe five days. someday i'll be saying good bye and i wonder how much it will mean.
i have yet to bathe myself in the water of porcelain and foam it up with clean smells. i think guy's deodorant smells good...wet rain and that old spice scent. it'll be nice someday when my scents mix with someone else's soaped and fresh body. mmm sexy with white tile and white fluffy towels. my hair still smells like shampoo.
the rentals tell me "it's all about sex."
i was naughty today...but it's been awhile so why the hell not? i miss that guy, johnny c. and i can say whatever i want to. who knows what kind of crazy plots we'd be planning or what deep conversations we'd be falling in now. does that kid ever think about me?
i feel like kickin' things a lot now. sometimes, it's more along the lines of scraping rocks along with the toes of my converse or sweeping up leaves. sometimes it's kicking to destroy stuff. that's the one i'm feeling right now. if i packed up and left right now, where would i go? i have the feeling that i'd travel for a long ass time with many stops and too many ties that i'd never want to leave behind. but there's something pulling me...the fated hand, as i've called it before. i'm in love with someone that doesn't exist in my current state. and i'm drawn to find this person...be they in australia or virginia. i'm curious.
currently spinning: creation: making time

12.02.2001

benny made me hot chocolate when my toes and hands were cold. i love you, princess...
the rain created a plastic world in which light of speeding cars and early christmas lights reflect.
i am behind, i reckon. and people tease me to catch up. i try, i do. but all that energy becomes infatuation.
evan and emily hid under my covers, trying to scare us and i was man enough to go upstairs to investigate. and i find two cute faces. i like your pretty smile, evan...even though you constantly bring up things of unequal proportion.
whatever is in your heart and shoes. in my heart, i am getting nowhere. and cristinky claims my socks are freakishly dirty. but you've gotta love this face of mine.