5.19.2006

yes.

a pre-warning that the following information is embarassing to type nevermind the fact that it may be read. but as most things work, it is better to vent in some fashion than to contain it in a self-depricating way...

the bedroom fan swishing the air around and cutting up the sound of radio journalists and the thoughts mashed up (yet again) in my head. has it truly been necessary to undergo the cliche life crisis of pre-grad/post-college balance? From experience I've gathered that many of my fellow human companions undergo some sort of existential questioning at some point, but rather than bonding over these large issues these thoughts have managed to become so minute and nagging and utterly personal. unsolved by me and unsolvable by others. so fucking boring. it's like a switch was flipped and turned off all possibilities of me being adventurous, creative (a word i'm growing to loathe) and open while in part, turned me into a dog with tail tucked between my legs. my first reaction is to flee but alas, i manage to be tied to the lame ties of modern life a.k.a. the internet, a pile of meaningless material objects, the confines of my cave and saying yes to shitty jobs i don't want strictly to maintain a degree of accountability on my part. i wish i could pinpoint the moment that my sense of self grew tangled with responsibility. i admit, i fell victim to the good ol' american standard of "success". i feel lost. it's not so much that i don't know what i want to do. suprisingly i've adopted a fairly healthy attitude towards that aspect, but rather that i have no motivation to attain or interest in anything right now. i can't blow my savings on some mid-mid-life soul searching for fear that i won't be able to get out of this town for good. i'm jealous of how everyone's life seems so much more interesting than my own and often feel as if it must be ore fulfilling. above all, though perhaps i should care a bit more about myself, i fear risking any important relationships i have b/c i'm being a lazy ass dull baby. how can i feel so trapped by myself? that's fucked up.