10.07.2002

well it was lame to begin with...the party on the roof. we sat in lawn chairs. so we ditched the highschool party for a prententious art/rock show at a gallery on the train tracks. as guitars distorted sound and trains meandered by and a guy pissed beside a cart, we examined painted pieces with blood and cities and slashes. and then a foreign guy had to get creepy on our asses. he took over a guitar and the mic to play songs our "parents played before they put [you] to bed", "before they touched [you]". and alyssa got brave and stood near him while he grabbed her so tash could take a picture. cuddles and i sang along to the strokes and johnny and i harmonized to bright eyes and apples in stereo and all of us sang along to the moldy peaches while passing green lights turning yellow and stop signs leading through frat central.
the make-your-own t-shirt-party presented the problems and the dance party. it was only after consuming a cup of trashcan punch that we learned it contained a hell of a lot of everclear. and i wondered if i was just out of it when it hit me after the first sip. i moved a lot and tash, clair, alyssa, stank-o and i rubbed up on each other dancing to whatever came up next. and then we'd collapse onto the couch with a beer in hand.it was fun giggling all night and pretending to be sexual deviants with benny and mike wachs. the t-shirts had sexual themes. ex. mike's sweatshirt commanded us to fuck his cvnt (greek style) or a girl's fancy a fuck?. and out of nowhere, jake and little man show up. little man and i are feeling the magic of the alcohol and the magic of each other. and i find myself sitting next to him and leaning over to johnny and drawling, "i could get laid right now if i wanted to and i don't know what to do about it." to which johnnny replies, "just take it easy." and sixteen year old sara is throwing shoes at sixteen year old carla who is grinding with some college guy. blake is hilarious..."who wantsss to light my cigarette?!!!" and when little man leaves for a smoke ben tells me to get little man to sit on my lap. and i do and somehow we end up making out and it was weird b/c everyone was cheering about it. and with eyes part open i see alyssa giving me that "hell yeah" look and jake's giving me thumbs up. and i feel stupid. but it's a nice release i suppose. i blame it on the drinks and the "oh my god first college party" attitude (to which i am ashamed to admit) and the overall rowdiness. i could have gotten laid but i was chill. sometimes i find things getting real and ridiculous and funny to talk about later. and johnny held my hand when i was sad about what was being said and i told him that he is wonderful and that i'm glad he's in my life again and i mean it all. the sadness sobers me up. and stink and i cry about the bullshit that happens when you're unhappy and when you feel helpless when we get back to the room. and we both know that we have each other and the people we love to make it better. and that the bullshit passes.
i woke up earlier than expected and i don't feel the ache until i take a shower. cristina and i talk until the wilco movie at the dobie. i am trying to break your heart. jeff tweedy is a funny person. black and white angles shot with beautiful cinematography that distracts us sometimes. but overall thumbs up for making us laugh about little kids and for making us think about bigger things.