when i was younger and even now, on days like today, i used to wonder what would happen if i hurt myself and ended up in the hospital. who would care enough to show up? i guess the overall dream of the situation was for people who never said they were sorry, to come and apologize...for people who couldn't show how they felt about me to show up and tell me how much i meant to them. like my being almost dead was reason enough for them to straighten out all that confused them. i wanted to change the way people felt about me. and i still do, in a way i guess.
i've been frusterated over so many different factors lately that it's hard to place exactly what is getting to me now b/c a lot of the times i get on myself for feeling the way i do. am i selfish? or am i too considerate?
i want this attention from others and when i'm not getting it i keep quiet. but i think of sick fucking ways to get it.